Yo Channing! - Tatum Joins G.I. Joe

I hated the name Channing Tatum the first time I heard it. That can’t be a real name. It’s the name of some puffy-shirted cattle rustler from a romance novel set in Savannah, Georgia. Not some blockhead dance-movie goof. But lo an behold, there he was in that Amanda Bynes movie She’s The Man, playing Orsino to her Viola, er, Duke to her Viola.

Now, oddly enough, he’s going to be playing Duke again. According to Ain’t It Cool, this guy has joined the cast of the upcomng G.I. Joe movie, playing the head honcho Conrad “Duke” Hauser.

To me, this doesn’t bode well, mostly on my completely superficial judgments of Channing Tatum, although I never liked Duke much in the old cartoon, either. The movie as a whole doesn’t sound promising, despite the casting of Sienna Miller as The Baroness, Ray Park and Snake Eyes and Rachel Nichols as Scarlett. This is mainly because everything I’ve heard about the script seems pretty iffy, and I’m sure good writing isn’t the main concern of a film trying to cash in on 80s nostalgia and an old toy line, as evidenced with Michael Bay’s Transformers.

I have to call it “Michael Bay’s Transformers” because those primer-paint indistinguishable writhing junkpiles are not the Transformers I know. It seems like this will be Stephen Sommers’ G.I. Joe in much the same way, if Cobra Commander and Duke are secretly brothers, or the Baroness is some composite character and there is no Destro, or if any of these rumors are real. I’ll reserve judgment on the casting of Marlon Wayans, as we all tend to forget how he did in Requiem for a Dream.

But just look at that picture of Channing Tatum. Sure, he’s playing a soldier in the upcoming Stop-Loss, and I could’ve used a more appropriate image, but that is what the guy looks like in his free time. Look at that guy. I wouldn’t let him play a Dreadnok.