True Blood: Shifty Characters (recap)

By: Jen Smith
Fancast.com

True Blood is a wonderful educational program. What better way to learn about exorcisms, the art of vampire kidnapping, and telepathy? Wikipedia, eat your heart out. Last night’s episode focused on all these things, plus they also threw in a few other mythical surprises for the audience. No ligers, griffins, or mermaids were harmed in the making of this episode.

When we last left Sookie, she was screaming like a banshee at the sight of a very naked (and a very scrumptious, imo) Sam in her bed. Sam tries to explain, saying that Bill asked him to look after her. For some reason, Sookie comes to the conclusion that Sam murdered her Gran, so she runs to the bathroom to grab a loofah as a weapon. It’s not the most efficient form of self-defense, but what do I know? She peeks out from behind the shower curtain and sees the dog from last night, but suddenly it turns into Sam. You guessed it… Sam’s a shape shifter. Sookie’s reaction was—and I quote—”Shut the f**k up.” My thoughts exactly.

So, Tara decided to get an exorcism since it worked so well for her mama. It wasn’t the same kind of exorcism though, as there were no large stones and opossums in sight; but there was a bon fire and plenty of saliva. And in case you’re wondering, crazy bus lady tells us that demons travel through technology like microwaves and televisions. So that’s why I’m so bitchy all the time. Hmm. Anyway, she makes Tara drink something called snake juice, which causes her to start convulsing and vomiting. She then has a hallucination of herself as a kid. Crazy bus lady tells her to stab the demon, which she does, and by some miracle Tara feels cleansed. She should have tried the Lemon Cleanse Diet.

Amy, the psycho evil hippie bitch, is draining Eddie of more of his precious vampire blood. When Amy finds the empty bottles of Tru Blood that Jason’s been sneaking to Eddie, she kind of freaks out. She says that lying is not good for their relationship and storms off. She finds Jason primping in the mirror and shares her latest plan: they’ll make Eddie love them. He’ll learn to trust them enough to where he’ll want to stay with them… like a pet. They can take him traveling with them and sell his blood when they run out of money. Wow, Amy, how considerate of you.

Back to the shape shifter, Sam is filling Sookie in on the details of his existence. Apparently there are thousands of them out there and it’s a hereditary thing. Because he was adopted, he couldn’t really ask his parents for advice on how to deal with it. He can shift into just about anything he wants, except for humans which are too complex. A dog is the easiest thing to shape into. The problem is that it wears off when he’s asleep and he also can’t stop it during a full moon. Sookie asks if he’s anything like a werewolf, and Sam gets defensive. Wait, whaa? Werewolves are real, too? Sookie wonders what else is out there. Sam tells her more than she can imagine. He points out that she’s not exactly human either (she’s a mind reader), and that doesn’t exactly sit well with her. Here’s a question… if neither Sam nor Bill are human, how come she can read Sam’s mind but not Bill’s?

The next morning, Tara has recovered from her purification party and wants to take her mama out to eat. What better way to celebrate the lack of the devil that with some crab legs? Apparently mom went too many years living on a liquid diet, because the sea food didn’t settle well in her stomach. Tara pulls into a pharmacy to get some Pepto, and guess who works there? That’s right… crazy bus lady. Turns out, the whole thing was a scam. The snake juice was just some ipecac. Gross. Crazy bus lady tries to defend herself—she has a son in Iraq and three grandbabies to take care of. Tara doesn’t seem to care about the sob story, despite the fact that even though it was a scam, her mama still seemed to be cured by it.

Arlene has decided to have a nice little engagement shindig at Sam’s bar, and the whole town is invited. Sam is still not in the best of moods, and has a flashback about the first time he ever shifted. Sookie is being a party pooper as well, wishing Bill were there. Speaking of Bill—he’s in the Thunderdome awaiting his trial for the killing of creepy bartender guy. The head vampire guy (played to perfection by guest star Zeljko Ivanek) is there to decide his fate. It seems the Magister doesn’t like it when other vampires die, no matter what the circumstances. Bill defends himself, saying that Longshadow attacked his human and was stealing from Eric. Eric, who is an upstanding member of the community, vouches for Bill, saying that Sookie was only there to help them find the thief. She’s valuable because of her special talent. The Magister decides that since Bill seems to be obedient, he’s not going to give him the usual punishment. Instead, he’s going to get a wee bit creative. Mmm… sounds sexy.

Back at the party, Rene and Sookie are dancing, but Sam cuts in. He tries once again to explain himself. She’s mad at him for not telling her sooner, but he knew she’d react that way. She’s also mad that he didn’t tell her about his affair with Tara. What is it with Sookie thinking she has to be all up in everyone’s business? Meanwhile, Jason is being weird with Amy. He’s not comfortable with the fact that she seems to be wearing the pants in the relationship. Lafayette doesn’t help the mood when he threatens Jason’s life. He’s figured out what he and Amy have done with Eddie… and he’s not pleased one iota. Jason’s solution is to let Eddie go. Amy tries to stop him, but he flings that bitch off like she’s a rag doll. Amy’s form of retaliation is a vicious one. She picks up a piece of wood and stakes Eddie through the heart, killing him instantly and sending vampire goo everywhere. That’ll leave a stain.

Tara finally shows up at the party, wearing a delightfully tacky rhinestone encrusted mini-dress from her senior prom. She’s also drunk off her ass. She tries to sexually attack Sam (not that I blame her) but Sam doesn’t feel like being used as a sex object today. This doesn’t help Tara’s mood, and she storms away. On the drive home, she takes a giant swig of vodka right before she notices a naked chick and a giant pig standing in the middle of the road, causing her to veer off the road and into a fence. In case you were wondering, that’s not a typo. It was a naked chick and a giant pig. I can’t make this shit up.

Sookie is taking a break from the party inside the bar when suddenly the lights go out. She gets scared and hides, and suddenly she has a vision of a random girl screaming her head off. I wonder what that’s all about. Anyway, someone tries to attack Sookie but apparently she’s a very good hider. Whoever it was almost gets her, but the Sam shows up and spooks him away. Sookie has apparently forgiven him now, because he buries her head in his chest and won’t let him go. That’s right, Sookie. Now move your hands lower. A little lower. Good girl.

Bill’s fate is in the hands of a balding vampire in a suit. The head vampire guy decides the best way to make things even again is to have Bill turn an innocent human girl into a vampire. Bill tries to argue, but is overruled. If he ever wants to see Sookie again, he’ll have to go along with this. The girl, Jessica, is doing a lot of praying for her soul. Probably a little too late for that. With regret, Bill sinks his teeth into the girl’s neck and begins the turning process. The audience seems to be enjoying themselves… in fact, they all seem to be getting off on it. I’m not even a vampire and I was getting off on it. Should I be worried about that?