Harper’s Island: “Whap”

For the next thirteen weeks, CBS is giving us a slasher movie… er mystery event. This show reminds me of the late 90s horror movies like Scream that were deliberately cliched and ridiculous. I guess irony has finally made its way to CBS. The credits inform us that Harper’s Island is thirty seven miles from Seattle. Six years ago several people were murdered there. Now a bunch more are going to die! Thank God. There are way too many characters on this show.

Watch the series premiere of Harper’s Island here

Hey, what better place to throw a destination wedding than a island that is known for its brutal killings? Maybe the couple got a discount. The wedding party gathers on a boat for their trip to the islands. The groom is played by Christopher Gorham, AKA Henry from Ugly Betty. His name is Henry on this show, too. The bride is Patricia. A one eyed cabdriver (seriously) drops off Abby, Henry’s best friend from high school. She’s from the island! Uncle Marty, played by the uniquely sleazy Harry Hamlin, is the loudmouth doofus. He’s packing a pistol. Someone drops a bottle overboard. The camera follows it underwater. Patricia’s missing Cousin Ben is tied to the underside of the boat. He’s breathing through a mask. As the boat takes off, he is decapitated by the propeller. The water turns red. That was cheesetastic.

Hunter Jennings calls Patricia. She ignores the call. Some bimbos inform us that John Wakefield killed six people on Harper’s Island including Abby’s Mom.

The boat arrives at the island. A hot fisherman named Jimmy chats up Abby. He seems to her be her ex. Abby has a vision of her mother hanging from a tree. Henry tells her it’s okay. Her mother is dead. They join everyone at the requisite old inn. Chloe, one of the bimbettes, and her short British boyfriend Cal plan to go sailing. She quickly strips down to her underwear. Marked for death? He’s working up the nerve to propose to her.

The fishermen clunkily reveals that Henry used to visit the island in the summer and has a psycho brother, JD. An old man notices there’s something stuck under the boat. They find a rope but not poor Ben’s head. Uncle Marty tells Henry not to intimidated by Patricia’s wealthy father.

Creepy flower girl Madison does the magnifying glass on the snail trick. JD finally arrives. One of his numerous tattoos should say, “Cliched Black Sheep,” but the show isn’t that tongue in cheek.

Patricia’s Dad, Thomas, gets an ominous e-mail: “I will get her tonight.” Patricia receives a mysterious cell phone call. Abby does the Tom Girl in a Sexy Dress thing at the party. Henry is predictably appreciative. Hunter, who is played by the very sexy Victor Webster, shows up and kisses Patricia. She tells him she’s getting married. He asks if she’s sure. Marty sees Hunter talking to Thomas. Hmmm… Daddy wants to stop the wedding. Marty tells Thomas he’ll protect Henry from rich jerks like him.

Abby tracks down JD at a bar. She ends up playing pool with fisherman Jimmy. JD compares tats with a goth girl, Kelly. Her ex Shane thoughtfully gives us JD’s backstory. He’s a suicidal cutter. The two brawl. Abby’s Dad breaks it up. He’s a Sheriff. He gives her a ride back to the resort. She has ignored all his letters. Someone has taped an article about Abby’s mother’s murder to her bathroom mirror.

Freaky Madison rips up Ben’s name card. Madison tells her Mom that her new friend told her people were killed on the island.

Chloe and Carter go swimming in the ocean. She screams. She was just faking. Unamused, he dunks her. She throws his pants containing the engagement ring into the water.

Harrison and Patricia have sex. While she’s in the bathroom, he sees Hunter’s name on her cell phone caller ID.

A bridge collapses as Marty walks across it. Someone pulls at him. He grabs his gun and shoots downwards, but it’s too late. Marty dies. There’s a really fake shot of legless Henry. Network television may not be the place for violent horror. Who will die next week? Let’s hope it’s not any of the hot guys.

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