Even when it’s a sophisticated ballroom night, ‘Dancing with the Stars‘ is usually more camp than class. This Monday night, however, they surpassed their quota by leaps and bounds.

With just three weeks and five contestants left in the competition, the ‘Stars’ let it rip with two individual routines, one ballroom, one Latin, and both jam-packed with wickedly aggressive dancers dead-set on winning. (Or doing themselves in?)

Someone finally got the first perfect score of the season, while the other four couples are separated by just one point. Heated race, much?

There was sweet justice for Mya. The flu for Karina. And nightmares for me. Thanks, Donny Darko!

THE BALLROOM ROUND

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin, Dance: Quickstep
After weeks of inexplicably low-balling Mya’s scores for no reasons a sane person could justify, Len thinks he can make up for it now in one fell swoop. This week his “disappointment” was that “I couldn’t find anything to criticize.” It’s finally here: A Ten from Len! (And Bruno too!)
Score: 29

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff, Dance: Foxtrot
Boo hoo, Karina has the flu. And Aaron won’t dance with anyone but you. Looking silly while practicing with medical masks on, the vibe carried onto the dance floor. Too “tense” said Bruno. Carrie Ann noted the effort–and the “loss of fluidity.” Len gets all goofy-paternal, claiming “It was like watching my son in a toy shop, and I’m proud of you no matter what.” Is Aaron Carter really the best choice for the son he never had???
Score: 23

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough, Dance: Quickstep
Derek and Joanna back-handedly insult all of their competitors, except Mya, when they target Mya as their main (or only?) competition and review her dance footage for clues on how to take her down. How’d that turn out? ‘Supa-Krupa’ has the frame and carriage down, but the footwork…not so much.
Score: 23

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel, Dance: Foxtrot
Louis shows Goth Girl who’s boss and locks up Kelly’s distractions, determination and even the dogs. All for the better, of course, as it leads Kelly into a menagerie of elegance and aqua feathers (yes, at the same time) for a grown up routine that Bruno called “ethereal.” And hold the phone because Carrie Ann has found Kelly’s secret weapon: “The audience goes crazy for you whenever you have a breakthrough.” Hey Inaba, how exactly is that a “secret weapon”?
Score: 25

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson, Dance: Viennese Waltz
Donny Osmond reveals he’s hit the exhaustion wall (a pivotal comment only to be realized later on) and isn’t having fun any more. Maybe that’s why his routines have gone from “airy fairy” to “arty farty.” Or so says Len of this number. Bruno found it more like “a Lifetime movie,” while Carrie Ann was apparently carried away by the drama and “found it mesmerizing.”
Score: 26

Now, it’s on to ‘DWTS’s latest stunt-dancing round, time-travel themed.

THE LATIN ROUND

Mya and Dmitry, Dance: ’70s Samba
Disco does this body good, especially for this ‘Bad Girl’: “perfect,” “beyond belief,” “on fire!” and “hypnotic,” as shouted with glee over the judges table. Diana Ross/strangled cat impersonation included, courtesy of Bruno.
Score: 10, 10, 10! The first perfect score of the season. Kudos, Mya. (Even if you do have dance experience.)

Aaron and Karina, Dance: ’90s Samba
As if we needed any proof the ‘Dancing’ grab bag of assignments may be fixed, the young one coincidentally gets a nineties number, so he can conveniently break out his boy-bander moves. Did it matter? Not really, and “overboard” Aaron worked it, “sold it” and was “hitting it,” giving Grandpa Len another chance to fawn over the boy. (Am I the only one who finds this weird?) Also nice to see Karina carrying the legwarmers torch in Edyta’s absence!
Score: 27

Derek Hough and Joanna Krupa (ABC)

Kelly and Louis, Dance: ’60s Jive
Another perfectly suited selection. Kelly is definitely a mod-girl, but I wasn’t digging the lime-green wig. I found the doll creepy-compelling. I found Bruno’s “Come to Daddy” line just creepy. I’m hoping her real daddy Ozzy wasn’t in the crowd. Carrie Ann says, “The doll gave me the heebie jeebies.” I disagree, Inaba…I think we just found Kelly’s real secret weapon! Oh, and the dancing? Len goes a bit overboard calling it a “revelation.”
Tangent: This performance wigged me out for another reason: The secret announcer man voice, who says “Carrie Ann In-ahhhh-ba” in a way that makes me crazy, had a glitch while the judges revealed their scores. (Is this a ‘DWTS’ first? Mildly amusing.) P.S.: This also won’t be the craziest outfit of the night.
Score: 26

Donny and Kym, Dance: ’80s Paso Doble
Let me start this at the end where Donny says: “Don’t you laugh at me.” Should we cry? Tears of laughter maybe? Because I still have no idea what happened here, other then me having bad dreams last night. I’m not even talking about the curly mullet. They said something about rockin’ glam a la Adam Ant but it looked more Wacko Jacko to me. There were lamb-chop sideburns. Blood red stripes on his face. A painted-on heart. Ruffled blouse and silver cape. Lace-up booties. And were those padded satin pants? I can’t even discuss Kym Johnson, but in summary, she looked like a heavy-metal Barbie doll dog-chew toy. The house band’s performance of ‘You Spin Me Right Round’ only added to the horror. This was shades Marie Osmond’s insane doll dance from a few years ago–but on more crack. Len called it “scary” and “bizarre.” Carrie Ann said it “dropped off the edge of insane” but “loved it.” Bruno makes the obligatory drag queen remark. Did Donny Osmond jump the shark? Or was this the single greatest performance in the history of ‘Dancing with the Stars’? Please, discuss.
Score: 24

Leaderboard Totals

Mya and Dmitry: 59
Joanna and Derek: 51
Kelly and Louis: 51
Donny and Kym: 50
Aaron and Karina: 50

With those pesky double eliminations now out of the way, who do you think is going to be the unlucky one not going to the semi-finals?

More on These Topics: Dancing With The Stars