Desperate Housewives: I Heard You. I Was Swallowing Vomit

This week’s Desperate Housewives felt refreshingly old school. There was mystery, comedy, a few heartfelt moments, a shocking twist and a whole lot of crazy.

Angie Bolen is Crazy Like a Fox

When she learns that Danny is being ostracized at school, Angie pays Porter to help her throw Danny a party. Danny and Angie’s relationship is kind of inappropriate. She changes her shirt in front of him, revealing her scars come from injuries sustained in an explosion. At the party, Nick flirts with a teenage girl. Danny tells him that he knows. I conclude that, disgusting as it is to contemplate, he must be Julie’s mystery man.

Julie Has Crazy Taste In Men

Apparently during the four year gap Julie finished college and got a full scholarship to medical school. Andrew tells Susan she dropped out and has been working as a waitress, which class conscious Susan hates. Hey, Susan, she may be making more than she would as a resident. He also reveals that Julie’s potential baby Daddy is a married man. Susan reads Julie’s diary. I am torn. One one hand, this is a terrible violation of privacy. On the other, Julie’s attacker is still on the loose. Julie refers to her married boyfriend as D. Julie wakes up with no memories of the attack. Susan is instructed not to ask her any questions. She manages to bring up all her concerns anyway in a sort of reverse Jeopardy! Julie wants her mother to accept that she is not perfect anymore, reminding her that she had to the responsible one when she was growing up. Susan is cold as ice about her sleeping with a married man. I get why this is such an issue for her given her history with Karl, but the married man is the one to blame. At the end of the episode Nick comes to visit, bearing flowers. Yep. It turns out the Nick is short for Dominic. Was Julie having an affair with him before the family moved to Wisteria Lane? Was she tutoring Danny because she already knew him? Does this mean Angie is the one who tried to kill her? All I know is that Julie has major Daddy issues. Last season she was dating a professor. Now she has moved on to a guy who looks like he should be hanging out at the Bada Bing with Tony Soprano.

Katherine Is Riding The Crazy Train

Katherine tells Bree she is in love — with Mike. Bree sees Katherine sneaking into Mike’s house. You would think she would alert Mike and Susan to the potentially dangerous situation. I choose to believe she is keeping her distance from them because she is worried that Susan will find out about her affair with Karl. Otherwise, it makes no sense. Katherine freaks when she discovers Bree has used the wedding cake design she planned for her marriage to Mike for one of their clients. Katherine destroys the cake as the bride and groom recite their vows. Bree fires Katherine, insisting she get help. While Katherine is far more entertaining this way, it defies credulity that she is behaving so strangely in public without anyone doing anything to stop her.

Lynette’s Breasts Drive Everyone Crazy

Lynette’s breasts have expanded due to her pregnancy. Carlos thinks Lynette got breast implants. They have a Three’s Company style misunderstanding about it, that culminates in Carlos wishing Gabrielle would get implants. Really? Her body is so perfect that she used to be the world’s shortest runway model and he thinks she needs bigger boobs? He wants Lynette to use her amazing rack to lure in new clients. Apparently, Carlos is now working for Sterling Cooper. How is this even something a boss would consider in 2009? Lynette may be able to retire on the settlement for her sexual harassment lawsuit. Because nobody in this storyline is behaving logically, Lynette ends up reveling in the attention. Tom admits to Lynette that he wishes she had bigger breasts. What a jerky thing to say to your pregnant wife. Then he claims that her boobs are a flaw that humanizes her. First of all, having normal size breasts is not a flaw. Second of all, I really hate the message this sends out: if you are not a D cup, you are not sexy. If you are, you will be objectified. Hey, Marc Cherry, Thanks for telling me that men consider my body to be flawed because I don’t look like Anna Nicole Smith.

Ana Is Crazy Jealous of Gabrielle

Ana tells Gabrielle she is in love with John, who she just met a couple weeks ago. Gabrielle warns John to stay away from her. John claims he was just flirting with Ana to make Gabby jealous. He thinks she is bored with her ordinary life. He leans in for a kiss as Ana arrives. Gabrielle tells Ana about her affair with John, assuring her that she no longer has any interest in him. Well, that was anti-climactic.

Quotes

Why are you smiling? -Lynette Why do you think? The Supremes are back. -Tom, on Lynette’s breasts

You don’t buy Christmas ornaments unless you want to hang them on a tree. - Carlos, on Lynette’s supposed implants

I heard you. I was swallowing vomit. - Gabrielle to Ana, upon hearing she loves John

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