Gossip Girl: “Chuck In Real Life” (recap)

By Sara A. Bibel
Fancast.com

Recapper here, basking in the aura of yet another delicious morsel of life on the UES. The prodigal father, Bart, has returned and is doing his best Bill Cosby as he and Lily attempt to establish family rules. They want to do a family dinner every Friday night. I chose to interpret that as a reference to the worst 90210 episode ever. The kids will also have a computer. Serena complains to Eric about Lily’s personality changing with her husbands’. After a meta snark about nobody watching TV on TV anymore (welcome to fancast, Eric) he suggest Serena try being supportive. Eric introduces his cute new boyfriend Jonathan to Blair and Serena. He’s invited him to the party. Chuck tells Serena the real reason for Bart’s sudden belief in family values is his attempts to make a deal with a bunch of conservative Midwestern executives who won’t approve of her Page Six antics. Serena heads out in a skanky dress, telling Bart she forgot her underwear.

Serena and Lily argue about the rules. Serena decides to skip the party. She learns that Bart told Jonathan the party was family only.

Nate persuaded Dan to join the soccer team. Chuck mocks their bromance. Jenny points out to Dan he’s never had guy friends before. He makes a date to play soccer with Nate. Dan discovers that the government has seized Nate’s empty townhouse and taken all the furniture. Dan subtly asks Nate how he’s doing and learns he’s living alone. His Mom thinks he’s staying with Chuck. Dan invites Nate to dinner and Scattegories at the Humphrey house of middle-class values. Dan tells Nate he knows what happened and wants to help. Nate isn’t interested in being a charity case. Rufus tells Dan not to give up. Dan persuades Nate to crash with the Humphreys.

Vanessa is on an age-appropriate mission to make a Brooklyn bar a landmark. Blair refuses to help. Vanessa reminds her she knows why Marcus left town and has the photos to prove it. She gives Blair six hours to get a thousand signatures. Vanessa just signed her own death warrant. Blair gets all Dangerous Liaisons and persuades Chuck to seduce and destroy Vanessa by arguing it will be revenge on Dan for stealing Nate. Chuck steps out of his limo to Vanessa’s speakeasy. He tells her he plans to buy and restore it. A hipster throws a drink at Chuck. Chuck tells Blair the deal is off. There’s nothing in it for him. Blair ups the ante by offering a night with her if Chuck succeeds. Vanessa tells a smoking jacket clad Chuck the barkeep’s considering his proposal. The barkeep awesomely mocks Chuck’s wardrobe then tells Chuck that once upon a time Joe Kennedy used to frequent the bar. Chuck is genuinely charmed and Vanessa’s grateful. He invites Vanessa to the party.

Lily and Bart hold court at the party until Serena shows up in the suit Bart bought her. Bart tells Serena Eric chose not to invite Jonathan on his own. Eric explains the press would be there and he didn’t feel like coming out to America. He thinks Bart was looking out for him. Serena snottily tells reporters about Lily’s numerous ex-husbands, stating Lily always puts her children last. Eric privately backs Serena up, saying his sister raised him. She can’t force them to be the perfect family. Serena runs into Dan, who’s on his way to consummate his bromance. She tells Dan what happened. They tentatively reestablish their friendship. Serena goes home with Bart, whose has taken the limo to find her. Lily apologizes to Serena for a lifetime of crappy parenting.

Back at the party, Chuck tells Blair he’s really buying the bar. Bart belittles Chuck’s plan and Chuck himself, stating that it’s an inappropriate idea. Vanessa overhears. She sincerely tells him he deserves better. In a great moment by Ed Westwick, Chuck disagrees saying that his father knows him better than she does. Blair sees him holding Vanessa’s hand. Jealous, she tells Chuck the bets off. Chuck thinks she’s scared she’ll have to sleep with him. As Vanessa leaves, Blair returns her purse saying she deleted the incriminating photos and that Chuck was only being nice to her on a bet. Vanessa doesn’t believe it until Chuck arrives and his look confirms it. Blair tells him she thinks he won the bet and she’ll meet him in his bedroom. Chuck tells the barkeep he plans to save the bar. Vanessa has overheard and is intrigued. Chuck finds Blair waiting for him in sexy red lingerie. She asks him what took him so long. He tells her if she thought that was long she has no idea what she’s in for. Dirty hot. He’s on top of her when he demands she tell him she love him. She can’t. He tells her he can’t settle and he won’t have her until she does. It’s her turn to chase him. Your recapper needs to take a cold shower. XOXO.