Justin Guarini Blogs About American Idol: Show 4

By Justin Guarini
Fancast American Idol Correspondent
Host of Idol Wrap and Idol Tonight, TV Guide Channel

Ahhh! Weefweshed
-Lili Von Shtupp, Blazing Saddles

After a good nights sleep, I’m back and ready for more.

As I was saying last night, some people just can’t see the writing on the wall. Even if it’s printed in 50 foot high, bright yellow letters. They just keep on feeding the Idol-humiliation beast.

Well, even though it was the first, my year was no different.

I left off at my final day of auditions. Smaller line, and I don’t think I saw any real whacko’s. I am pretty sure all I could think about was not forgetting the words to my songs though…so they could have been floating around without my knowledge. Shortly thereafter, we were all escorted up to the middle floor of a nondescript building, and placed inside a huge dressing room. Lights around the mirrors, low slung tables, the whole nine yards.

Cue: the obligatory hour-on-end wait!! I think they at least had a water fountain in this building though…when you’re a seasoned auditioner, you learn to appreciate the little things

So there we (the hopeful, bashful, and everyone in between) sat, chatting with one another and running lyrics through our heads. It was at this time when the rumors started about what we were actually all sitting there waiting for. Some said it was a contest, others a show, and there was a nagging rumor that Paula Abdul had something to do with it all.

Paula, eh?

I think I just shrugged when I heard that one. Yea right…Paula Abdul. THE Paula… come on, I didn’t really believe it for a second. Might have hoped, but didn’t believe. There was also murmurings of a nasty guy who was rumored to be English. No one really had a good line on this rumor, so I let it go in one ear and out the other. I was going to be reminded (rudely) of that rumor’s validity, all too shortly.

As people buzzed in and out of the room, I noticed two guys who hung together with the cameras as they went in, out, and about the room.

Enter: Ryan and Brian

I didn’t really know what to think when I first saw them. Logic told me they must be hosts, or at the very least, the people responsible for documenting the goings on of…whatever was going on. Bryan seemed like the laugh-getter and Ryan like the straight man. Little did I know what I was in for with those two later on in the year.

Finally! It was time to go give my best to the judges…as I approached the door, that old feeling swept over me, and I made sure to rub my palms on my pants before I grabbed the handle and went in.

…weird.

There in the large, and bare, room was a table with a 40-something guy with piercing blue eyes (English), and someone else who could only be described as a sandy haired young man who couldn’t have been over 27 (American). No Paula (knew it!) This is it? I thought. Okay, here goes. So I sang….

Anyone who’s ever auditioned for anything in a major city will know what I’m talking about when I say I felt like I was singing to a surly brick wall. Casting agents the world over are known for giving surly looks at even the best of times during an audition. My experience with these two guys was no different. Actually yes it was. The younger of the duo was actually giving me what could only be described as the look you give the underside of your shoe, after you;ve stepped on a particularly nasty (and juicy) bug. After I sang, I waited (nervously) for a response. The older gentleman gave me an appraising look. I thought- he likes me, I think. It was at that point when ’sandy’ leaned over put his hand in front of his mouth and none to secretly started whispering into his compatriots ear.

I was immediately transported back to elementary school. I thought to myself- Oh $@!%, this guy is totally gonna screw me. ‘Blue Eyes’ is totally down with letting me pass, this guy-who’s been looking at me like I just insulted his Mother- is gonna hack me off at the knees. I was toast, before I’d even made it to being bread (bad analogy, but you get the point).

As I waited for the bells to toll in the distance, and the denial phase of the grief-cycle to kick in, ‘Blue Eyes’ nodded his head at what I assumed was pure bile being spewed in his ear from ’sandy’, looked at me and said in his cockney accent “Yea, you can go on through”. Through…my own personal hell?- was my first thought (After all I was done right?)…my brain tried to decipher wether this was a good thing (Going through…to where, this was it right?) but as always, my training kicked in and I said ‘Thanks’, smiled, and got out of Dodge before they could change their minds. Minutes later I was informed that I had just experienced the executive producer audition, and had passed. Oh…oh…OH cool! I was still in the race. More on that next week…

South Carolina

Oh Raysharde…the black Clay Aiken. I can hear the “Claymates” screaming for Ray’s blood now, and I can’t blame them. Before Ray has a chance to further embarrass himself, the judges set him up for..well some more embarrassment. Here’s a little behind the scenes for ya:

The pieces of paper that the judges have in front of them are more than just a list of what contestants are on the bill for the day. It’s a cliff notes like breakdown of each contestant they’ll be seeing. Remember my interview with Billy way back in blog one? Well the notes he makes, the next producer makes, and any other quirks, quips, or quotes (sometimes taken directly from the contestants) are on that page. The judges know exactly what to expect, good and bad…on paper. Their reactions are genuine though, because there’s nothing like the real spectacle, or great performance. Did you notice when Randy looked down at the sheet and asked Ray about what people say when he sings? I’d bet a million bucks that the Clay Aiken reference was there in black ink…ammo for the judges.

Ray actually looks more like a young Jackson…Tito, or maybe Jermaine. Four minutes in and blood is already spilt…faster than in Braveheart.

Have you ever notice that most of the top 2 finishers in American Idol are originally from the South:

Kelly (Texas)
Me (Georgia…I was born there and spent all my Summer’s with my Father there)
Ruben (Alabama)
Clay (The Carolinas)
Fantasia (The Carolinas)
Diana Degarmo (Alabama)
Bo (Alabama)
Taylor (Alabama)

The exceptions:
Carrie (Oklahoma…close enough, very rural)
Kat (Los Angeles)
Blake (Washington State)
Jordin (Arizona)

8 out of 12…67%, a majority. Will South Carolina have the right stuff? How about DeAnna?

DeAnna, I love you for being you! She is soooooo country, and anyone who is from the south will know exactly what I mean. She’s got sass, and guess what, she’ll kill you if you look at her funny. Country music at it’s angriest. My favorite line was the one about where she’d just come at you with a baseball bat, instead of high heels like Kelly Pickler. I believe her, and so did Simon by the looks of it. I find it interesting that they didn’t use any of the footage of her after the audition…maybe they didn’t have enough time in the broadcast, or maybe it was about to get worse.

As much as it exploits the nieve…it’s great tv. Even I, who knows the format from back to front/ inside and out, have to gladly admit…it’s great tv.

Crystal and Randy: Ok maybe I take that great tv thing back. This is where my soul starts to hurt. These two are genuinely in love, or at least really happy with one another. I’m torn between the easy road of laughing at them because they seem nerdy, different, gloopy, gushy, and generally lovey-dovey…and feeling for them because they’re just two nice innocent people being made to look like two nice stupid people (Example: Quote “We first met right over there…right by that trash can). Now, truth be told…that’s funny, but only like watching someone fall down a set of stairs is funny. You feel bad, but you gotta laugh about it when you see they’re not hurt…badly.

Oh..is there anyone in SC?

Michelle and Jeffery: I smell a set up. They’re doing all the wrong things in the confessional booth (spoke about that yesterday). Jeff is wearing a tie on his head, snapping his fingers with a ‘yes’ every five seconds. Guess what..they can sing! Haha, a few pitch problems aside, they’re great t.v., and they’ll be great during Hollywood week.

I think that the phrase “I don’t think you’re as good as you think you are” is going to be Simon’s new catch phrase.

London: Finally a nice story. Back to the story of the contestants. Case in point…she’s got that thing, the ease and that comes with knowing what she’s doing. Simon nailed it by saying, that there are a million girls like her though. I’m interested to see if she breaks out of the pack in Hollywood.

Speaking of breaking out…lets talk about my list of pet peeves. My 3 favs.

1. Loud ? Good- Loud is only good when you’re in an opera house…singing opera, without the aid of microphones. Even then, it would be considered ‘projecting’. When an Idol contestant comes in an does an impression of a person experiencing his first hernia…you know they’ve got no chance, even if they can sing. As my beloved vocal teacher Ron Anderson always tells me: “It should feel like no more than a sigh”. It’s true, loud can and should be achieved with technique and finesse, not brute strength. The wear and tear on our voices was already significant, just given our schedules (I’ll get into that when we get to the top 12). Singing loud and hard for us every show, would be like driving your car to work every day…with no oil in it.

2. Original Songs- Oh man, just ask the judges to throw rotten cabbage at you and get it out of the way. At it’s very core, Idol is based around the concept of amazing Karaoke. The single most amazing and well produced Karaoke ever. So what would poses someone to sing an original song (Babyface excluded)
Songwriting is an art that most people dabble in, some command, and few have mastered. I would be overjoyed, and would love to see an original song Wow the judges..but I would also like to see the Swedish Bikini team show up to my door in desperate need of an overpaid oil boy. Actually my odds are better (note to self: Google-Telephone, Sweedish Country Code)

3. Staring vs Looking- Have you ever been caught looking just a little too long at a pretty or handsome person? We all have. Is it staring, admiring, or just looking? I totally stared at Paula during my audition (I’ll explain in detail later). I was nervous as hell, and she gave me something (beautiful) to focus on. There is a fine line between good, concentrated performance-based staring, and outright contemplative-rapist staring. Try this sometime. Stare at a beautiful or handsome person and wear a smile (not too big, not too small) like one you would humbly give to someone who just gave you a compliment. Unless you’ve just got that predatory vibe about you, 8 out of 10 times people will probably smile back at you and then look away. The same goes for singing to someone. Tell them a story, and smile like you’re easy like Sunday morning. It’s that simple. Trying to actually look through someone while you’re singing will only serve to give them the willies.

Back to the show-

Aretha- Aww, poor woman. I thought they were gonna harp on some of her more obvious assets..but instead, they chose to hit her below the belt…well, actually on the belt and the dress it held up. When she first started to sing…I thought she sounded like she was doing pretty good Beyoncé impression. Then she broke my other pet peeve….she changed keys in the middle of the song. Nothing says I’m not a good singer like changing keys (unintentionally), and not knowing it. The kiss of death, and painful to any musician within earshot. I admire her determination, but she was arguing moot points in a loosing battle, and one where she was in the wrong. It must have been what Jeffery Dahmer’s lawyer felt like.

Joshua Bosen- Now, I’m not saying that there’s anything wrong with the practice of ’stacking the deck’ (as long as money isn’t involved), except for when it’s Idol, and you’re ’stacking the deck’ with 2’s. Enter Joshua. It is no mistake that he made it though 3 or 4 rounds of auditioning. Joshua was selected to fail, and he did it with great aplomb. I feel for him, slightly. He knows the score, and so does everyone else who watched Seasons 1-6. Who I really feel for are the judges. Having to knowingly listen to those poor voices…then having to suffer the slings and arrows of the scorned contestants (sigh), I can’t imagine…oh wait, that’s right, they get paid millions to do it. Never mind. Just when you hope Joshua could leave with his head up and like a man…he does the post audition rant…where’s the glitter girl when you need her? If I hear one more bad singer say ‘you’ll be seeing me’…well you’ll be seeing ME, on the side of a milk carton.

Ahhh, man my DVR cut off. Oh well, at least I got to see the new baby!

NEXT WEEK:

I took two steps forward and she took…well, actually she just sat there, but she was Paula…and she was all I saw in a room full of lights cameras, and executives. My experience in the all-dreaded judges room, and more.