Gossip Girl: Hilary Duff and Tyra’s Movie Will Sweep The Razzies

Gossip Girl, it’s time for an intervention. You are falling into the same college trap that has doomed so many other teen shows. There are plenty of funny, interesting, scandalous stories to tell about campus life. Take a look at Greek. You moved the setting to NYU, a campus filled with hipsters and intellectuals that is ripe for satire. Make it as accurate and insidery as Constance and you’ll get your mojo back. Another episode like this and you might as well be One Tree Hill. Here’s what went wrong.

1. Lame Guest Casting

The smart guest star casting used to add to this show’s hipness quotient. Last season, GG cast people that were not household names but were oh so very New York, like Jay McInernery, Charles Isherwood and Tinsley Mortimer as themselves. This week we get the oh-so-middle American Hilary Duff and Tyra Banks. Duff was on Ghost Whisperer, for Pete’s sake. No viewer is going to feel smart for recognizing them.

Duff plays Olivia Burke, a teen movie star who has enrolled at NYU. I had high hopes that this character would spoof the Olsen Twins brief stint at the college. Unfortunately, instead of being a mogul who dresses like a homeless person, Olivia is a boringly nice girl who just wants to have a normal college experience. She is supposed to be famous for a series of movies that was the vampire version of the King Arthur story. I would actually watch those if they existed. That was the only interesting thing about Olivia.

Leighton Meester and Blake Lively are far more beautiful, charismatic and even talented than Duff. Olivia established her lameness by befriending her roommate Vanessa and falling for Dan. Dan is so pop-culturally illiterate he did not realize who she was until he attended the premiere of her new movie. He improbably was not interested in dating her because he was tired of dramatic relationships. I know we’re supposed to be rooting for the two of them, but why? Olivia better turn out to be paying a scholarship kid to do all her work to keep from becoming a colossal bore.

Tyra Banks was even worse as a movie star named Ursula who was devastated that the big scene from her Joesphine Baker biopic got cut. Her skills as a thespian have deteriorated from her stint on The Fresh Prince. The brief scene we see of the movie, with Duff and Banks both attempting French accents, makes Glitter look like Sophie’s Choice. (By the way, a Josephine Baker biopic would be great. Between Vampire King Arthur and this, I’m thinking the Gossip Girl writers should be running Universal.)

Serena, who is trying to prove to Lily that she is capable of holding a job, stumbles into a gig assisting Olivia’s publicist, Casey. Despite her lack of experience, she is assigned to accompany Ursula on the red carpet. Ursula immediately falls in love with Serena, which brings me to the next problem with this episode.

2. Serena Should Not Be A Mary Sue

I would love to see Serena do an actual, menial job. The sequence where she got rejected by fashion houses and art galleries was fun. Seeing her discover that her PR internship was actually all about making copies and sending out e-mails to websites pitching interviews with D-list actors. Instead, she is instantly doing glamour work. I at least wanted the scene where she learns she has to wear a boring black dress on the red carpet so she will not draw attention away from the stars. No. Serena is the best publicist ever, and Ursula has no qualms about trusting an 18 year old with no training. At the premiere, Ursula gets upset when she discovers her big scene has been cut. Casey hopes she will have an epic meltdown that will end up in all the tabloids. Serena takes Lily’s advice and tells Ursula to be gracious about it. When Casey fired Serena, I cheered. Unfortunately, Ursula gets Serena her job back.

3. Blair continues to be pathetic

Blair having trouble adjusting to the college social scene is an interesting concept, but it has unfortunately made her look like a loser. The beginning scene where she joins the Masters of the Universe club only to discover it is full of nerdy He Man fans was funny. Her becoming the David Wooderson of Constance Billard was uncomfortable. Annoyed that Jenny has decided to use her status as the annointed queen bee to eliminate all cliques, Blair returns to high school and recruits new mean girls. She further retreats into the comfort of high school by hosting another one of her famed slumber parties. Fortunately, someone else wanted to knock some sense into Blair as much as I did.

4. Chuck Bass is the best boyfriend ever

Somehow, Chuck has become a mature, supportive Prince Charming withoug losing his edge. He brought Jenny to the movie premiere knowing that Blair would read about it on Gossip Girl and flip. Sure enough, she charged over to the premiere. When a paparazzi recognized her, Blair suddenly became herself again. Of course, Chuck hired the photographer to snap her picture. Assisted by a pep talk from Chuck, who accurately pointed out that if she could get him to say he loved her, she could easily master the college social scene, Blair started a club for private school queen bees at NYU. Duh. As someone who attended a snooty private college, I can attest that all the prep school kids quickly found each other and spent the weekends going to the Cape and joining expensive social clubs while us public school kids studied and got part time jobs. I hope that Blair spends the rest of year as the biggest fish in her own little pond…. speaking of which.

5. Little J Has Big Shoes To Fill

Thanks to Blair’s interfering, Jenny finally decided to take her headband and become Constance’s Queen Bee. She was last spotted ordering her minions to meet her on the steps of the Met with yogurt. This could be entertaining, if there were any other characters that were still in high school.

Remember all of the other storylines this season: Carter and Serena’s romance, creepy half brother Scott, Geogina, Bree’s attempt to win back her family? They were not even addressed this episode. Granted, they were all lame storylines. But there should be some continuity. Next week’s episode looks much better. Rufus and Lily are getting married. Lily has the decency not to wear white, and it looks like Scott is going to crash the wedding. I hope it lives up to Bart and Lily’s nuptials, or at least does not suck.

Quotes

I love you Serena but you’ve never worked a day in your life. - Lily

The madness and genius of Skeletor — that’s right I said genius. - Nerdy Guy

By the way, sandals are not shoes - Blair

Blair’s gone Colonel Kurtz - Chuck

Next time you forget you are Blair Waldorf remember I’m Chuck Bass and I love you. - Chuck

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