Gossip Girl: Three Is A Magic Number

It’s the big ‘Gossip Girl’ threesome episode. The Parents Television Council was clutching its pearls in horror. Pervy fans were drooling in anticipation. Would Serena/Chuck/Blair melt television scenes across the land? Did Chuck’s comment that he’s kissed guys before foreshadow an envelope pushing Chuck/Blair/Nate threeway? Well, the CW’s promo department is a tease. It was a C storyline that lasted all of thirty seconds featuring the most unappealing combination of characters. Congratulations, ‘Swingtown.’ You still hold the title of network television’s kinkiest show. Here are all the less than salacious details:

• Who: Vanessa (gross), Dan (why?) and Olivia (yawn)
• What: the least.sexy.filmed.threesome.ever. Stephen Baldwin, Lara Flynn Boyle, and Josh Charles can breathe a sigh of relief. Their 1994 film ‘Threesome’ has been dethroned.
• Where: the Humphrey loft. How very Brooklyn.
• Why: In order to convince Olivia not to leave NYU to make another Endless Nights movie, Dan and Vanessa print out a list of essential college experiences. When Olivia decides she has to do the film, after a few drinks she decides she should complete the final item on the list: a menage a trois.
• How: They all look awkwardly at each other. Olivia kisses Dan, then smooches Vanessa. Dan’s bug eyed reaction to the girl on girl action unfolding in front of him probably mirrors that of viewers who grew up watching Hilary Duff on ‘Lizzie McGuire.’ Next, Dan kisses Vanessa. No clothing is removed. Fade to black. The next time we see them, Dan is sleeping in bed with two women. Olivia gets a text that the movie has been canceled. Oops! Next week, they will all have to deal with the ramifications of their experimentation, which should be much more interesting.

Now that I’ve gotten the hype out of the way, let’s talk about all of the interesting characters. This was by far the best episode of ‘Gossip Girl‘ of the season, filled with quips, schemes, and classism.

Belle of the Ball

It’s Cotillion time, bitches. Jenny orders her minions to set her up with a guy named Graham Collins. Jenny comes face to face with the Queen Bees and their posse’s of other private schools — including an African American crew. Unfortunately, they don’t have any lines. Jenny, despite her new home on the UES, is still perceived as outer borough trash by the socialite set. Her goal is to prove she belongs.

Jenny ignores the nerdy Kira, who is Eric’s date. Kira decides to get Graham to escort Jenny in order to improve her own social status. Jenny whines to Eric that she’s going to make a fool out of herself. Eric suggests that Jonathan could be her escort. Eric intercepts a text from Graham and texts back that Jenny already has a date. His goal is to keep her from going to the darkside. I think that she went there the moment her girls poured yogurt on Eric. I wish his motivations weren’t so murky this episode. When Kira tells Jenny what Eric did, she decides to go with Graham. She fires Blair as her mentor because she does not think she needs one. Stupid! Blair decides to mentor Kira with the goal of dethroning Jenny. She gets the very malleable Graham to be Kira’s escort.

The debutante ball is amazing. Instead of boring white gowns, everyone is decked out in couture. I covert Jenny’s black dress. An all girl band sings a song about bitches while couples slow dance. This is the best use of music on GG since the Constance choir singing Glamorous in season one. Jen is stunned when Graham is announced as Kira’s escort and she is left dateless. She manages to come out on top, by recruiting Nate to be her date. It’s weird that last season they were briefly a couple. Now he seems so much older.

Jonathan accuses Eric of sinking to Jenny’s level and breaks up with him. Too bad. They were one of my favorite couples. Eric tells Kira they will take Jenny down for good. I can get behind Team Nerd.

BFFS

Nate is moving in with Chuck. I approve, though I do not understand why. The guys realize Blair is about to snap. Chuck sets up Blair and Serena to get stuck in the elevator at the Cotillion. He uses the elevator loudspeaker to tell them they have to stay there until they work things out. Chuck is really making the most of his new status as a hotel owner. Serena tells Blair about the search for her father. Blair sincerely tells Serena that it’s her father’s loss. Once they officially reconcile, Chuck announces over the loudspeaker that they can kiss without it being cheating. Don’t taunt me with the threesome that could have been, Josh Schwartz.

Serena Lewinsky

Tripp hires Serena to be an event planner in his congressional office. How is Serena getting all of these great jobs without a college degree? Serena brings Tripp a late night snack. She is only missing the blue dress and the beret. They nearly get cozy until Tripp thinks better of it and sends her home. The next day Tripp tells Serena that she is too much of a temptation for him. At Blair’s suggestion, Serena resigns. Tripp asks her to stay. He promises to never cross the line. I give them two episodes before they get naked.

Lily finds a letter from Serena’s Dad — who is apparently a doctor even though he was a director in the flashback episode last season. Is this the first one? Or has she been hiding them from Serena for a while? Now this storyline is getting interesting. The show better cast someone worthy to be her father.

Quotes

You really think I want to spend my weekend watching women with tramp stamps work out their Daddy issues? - Chuck, to Blair on his “lost weekend” with Nate

He goes to York. It’s practically public school. - Jenny, with the most UES line ever

It’s like the Sopranos but with bagels. - Olivia

This is not like your wedding day. Cotillion only happens once. - Blair

Your era is over and so is that headband. - Jenny, to Blair

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