Gossip Girl: Two Weddings, A Long Lost Son And An Indie Band

Back in the 1990s, when I was wearing flannel shirts and detesting the mainstream, if someone had told me that Sonic Youth would end up guest starring as the wedding band on a CW show, well, I would have asked, “What’s the CW?” because it didn’t exist yet. But there was the WB and there was no way in heck that I ever would have expected Thurston Moore and Kim Gordon to “sell out” like that. Times have changed. The whole concept of “alternative” got shot to hell. These days, a good episode of Gossip Girl is smarter and edgier than the average indie movie. This was the first great episode of the season and almost makes up for the Hilary Duff debacle last week.

It’s A Nice Day For A Fushia Wedding

All of the action this week centers around Rufus and Lily’s wedding. Those crazy kids have finally worked through their differences and decided to pull off a wedding in 24 hours. Fortunately, Lily has a team of magical elves willing to work for free. Jenny sews her a fushia dress, which she weirdly accesorizes with giant light blue semi-precious stone earrings. What’s up with that? Dorota is charged with tracking down Sonic Youth. Apparently Rufus opened for them back when he and Lily were young lovers. Yes, the good old days in the 1990s. I am officially old.

Return of the Prodigal Son

Meanwhile, Olivia AKA Hilary Duff is mercifully in Japan. She and Dan are happily cyberflirting, until Georgina returns. She tells Vanessa that she knows Scott is really Lily and Rufus’s son. If Vanessa does not find a way to break up Dan and Olivia, she will tell everyone. Scott revealed his secret — if Vanessa doesn’t get Dan to break up with Olivia she’ll tell everyone. For once Vanessa doesn’t suck. She tells Dan the truth. Dan pretends he wants Georgina back. She sees through it and lures Scott back to town.

Carter has reunited with Serena. Nate and Bree actually interact with Chuck and Blair. Blair proves she’s a good judge of character by taking an instant disliking to Bree. After talking to Bree, Chuck realizes that she is going to turn Carter over to her family.

Bringing Sexy Back

Chuck gives Blair the most erotic fully clothed back massage in television history. How did these two end up with the most mature, sexy, functional relationship on television? My only complaint is that I do not have a Chuck of my own. Chuck tells Carter that he can either go to the wedding and tell Serena everything and deal with Bree and southern justice. Or he can take a one way trip to Laos.

Altered State

Everyone goes to the Brooklyn Botanical Gardens for the big event. Carter shows up. He tells Serena he proposed marriage to Bree’s cousin Beth so her family would pay off his debts. He left her at the altar. Serena dumps Carter for being scum. Beth’s giant brothers show up and drag Carter away.

Georgina crashes the wedding, hilariously acting like she has every right to be there. How is it that Michelle Trachtenberg is so good as Georgina and so mediocre in every other role? Lily gets cold feet just as the wedding march begins. You would think someone who has been married so many times would be pretty blase by now. If it doesn’t work out she can always get another divorce. As Rufus attempts to talk some sense in to her, Scott interrupts them. Lily, having no idea who this boring wax doll of a boy is, chastises him for interrupting. As he flees, Georgina blithely announces that Scott is their love child. Instead of saying good riddance, they decide they want to get to know the creepy liar. They find him about to board the Chinatown bus to Boston. Scott makes a cheesy speech about how he hoped his biological Mommy and Daddy still loved each other, and it breaks his heart that they aren’t getting married. Yes, the guy with the happily married adoptive parents craves stability. Scott better be running some elaborate con to get his hands on the Bart fortune, because he is just awful. Lily realizes she is being an idiot and decides to marry Rufus after all.

Reverend Kim Gordon

Sonic Youth’s Kim Gordon officiates Rufus and Lily’s wedding at the Humphrey Loft. That is bad ass. I wonder if most of the teens who watch the show even know who she is. It is depending on how you look at it really sweet or Rufus managing to passive-aggressively get the small wedding that he wanted. Then Sonic Youth performs an acoustic version of Star Power. In case you’re wondering, Sonic Youth agreed to do this episode because Kim and Thurston Moore are both huge fans of the show. That is awesome. My new goal in life to hang out with them while they watch the CW.

As what has got to be one of the most downbeat wedding songs ever played, Nate dumps Bree for using him to get to Carter. Good. Let’s hope this is the last we see of this boring character.

A Belorussian prince hits on Georgina. She leaves with him — as engineered by Dorota and Chuck. I predict she’ll be back whenever Mercy is put out of its misery.

Carter sits in the backseat of a limo, squashed between Beth’s two enormous brothers. This reminds of the scene in Sweet Bird of Youth where the scoundrel is about to be castrated for his misdeeds. I doubt the show is going there, but you never know.

Coming up next week: Chuck kisses a dude! Oh, this show is back, baby.

Quotes

The bloodsucker is back. I saw her coffin and tell-tale broom on the floor.– Blair, on Georgina

We’re Southern, so family so loyalty is really big down there.- Bree Like slavery. - Blair

I know women. And none of us are that nice. - Blair

You’ve been running with jeans on? That didn’t chafe? - Dan, to Rufus

That was just pathetic. Haven’t you ever tried to get someone to dump a celebrity before? - Georgina

More on These Topics: Gossip Girl