Secret Diary of a Call Girl: “Second Season Premiere” (recap)

By Jen Smith
Fancast.com

After last season’s finale of Secret Diary of a Call Girl, we promised you more debauchery, sex, and sin. Well, we’re happy to report that we’ll be living up to our end of the bargain. Season Two’s premiere last night not only met our expectations, but exceeded them. Belle—you are a naughty, naughty girl. Unfortunately, it appears like Belle won’t exactly be traipsing around in tiny underthings as much this year, as Billie Piper was several months pregnant during the filming. Before you get bummed, Belle has taken an apprentice under her wing who will likely fill the void of scantily clad British women. Let the prostitution games begin!

Hannah wakes up in her London flat just as everyone else is heading home for the day. Her work hours vary slightly, but Hannah’s okay with it as long as the good sex and good money keep rolling in. She’s off to her next appointment. Because of the secret nature of the job, all she’s told is a name, number, and place to meet. Discretion is the name of the game. When she arrives at her destination, she meets a handsome young man at the bar who introduces himself as Alex. This is her guy, alright. And for the ladies—it’s the actor Callum Blue (The Tudors, Dead Like Me) and a total stud muffin. She decides to skip the meeting process and go straight to his room. He’s taken aback by her cut-to-the-chase attitude, but no guy is going to turn down the offer.

Once in Alex’s room, she sneaks off to the bathroom to take care of a couple of things. After her potty break, she counts the money from the envelope that was sitting on the bar. The problem? There’s no money. It’s only got Alex’s passport, but weirdly enough, Alex’s last name doesn’t match up. At that moment, Belle gets a call from the real Alex. She’s got the wrong guy. How embarrassing. She quickly runs out of Alex Number 1’s hotel room, muttering apologies along the way, and heads off to meet with Alex Number 2. As it turns out, Alex Number 2 is a complete ass, being totally rude to her and forcing her to don a French maid outfit. Do guys still have French maid fantasies? I thought they had moved on from that cliché by now.

The next day, Hannah is dressed up in a more conservative look than we’re used to. She’s headed out when she gets a buzz at the door. It’s a reporter named Kai Felton and he wants to talk to her about none other than Alex Number 2. He’s actually a guy named Ian Farringdon, and just so happens to be a famous politician in England. Somehow, this Kai fellow has figured out Ian’s penchant for call girls and has managed to track Hannah down. He offers her a big chunk of change to give the goods (like what he prefers in bed), which Hannah quickly turns down. After all, if she comes forward then her secret identity would be ruined. Without her secret identity, he clientele will drop her quicker than a hot potato.

Thanks to her conversation with Mr. Sleazy Reporter, she’s late to her niece’s Christening. It would be that bad normally, except she’s the godmother… and godmothers are sort of involved with the whole ceremony. Don’t worry, Ben is there to save the day with deprecating humor. Ah, Ben. He’s my favorite character by far. Throughout the Christening, Hannah is plagued with flashes of her latest sins. We’re treated to an eyeful about what Belle had to do with the dirty politician. Let’s just say it rhymes with “holden flower.” You’re all smart people… you can figure it out. The rest of the event is like torture for Hannah. All people ever want to talk about are relationships and work. Since Hannah can talk about neither of those things, she’s kind of forced to lie 24/7. We also find out that Ben didn’t exactly break up with Vanessa when he called off the wedding. He’s still with her, and apparently quite whipped.

On her way home, Hannah stumbles across something that doesn’t belong in her bag—Alex Number 1’s passport. In her haste, she accidentally took it. She tries stealthily to sneak it back under his hotel room door, but when he catches her he manages to finagle a phone number out of her. Will Hannah be getting a boyfriend? If so, she might not have enough time to balance both that and her new working girl trainee Bambi. Bambi is hopelessly charming and seems to be a perfect candidate for a call girl. She even goes as far as nabbing one of Belle’s clients without her knowing. She’s a feisty one, that’s for sure. Hannah’s troubles don’t end there—Kai has reentered her life and threatening to publish the story without her consent and Alex is bugging her for a date. She keeps pushing Alex off until he can see the newspaper the next day. After he sees her mug all over the front page, he’ll be sure to lose her number forever.

Turns out, Hannah didn’t need to worry after all. The reporter found another hooker that would spill the beans about the impish politician. So, the good Alex never gave up on Hannah and she agrees to move forward with their date. Has Hannah finally found true love? And what will this mean to Belle? On next week’s episode, it looks like she’s having some doubts about the smallish-size of her perfectly adequate breasts. Will a boob job boost Belle’s asking price or something?