The Biggest Loser: One Big Happy Family (recap)

By Jen Smith
Fancast.com

Last night on The Biggest Loser, one team entered Hypocrite Land and couldn’t escape, two teams cried their body weight (which is still classified as “a lot”), and three teams make Bob a happy man. Stacy and Adam of the Green Team have been voted off and the Orange Team was granted a pardon for another week on campus. Everyone pulled huge numbers during the first week, which is common. The second week, however, is simply a bitch. The theme of tonight’s episode is “the week two plateau.” Typically, weight loss comes to a halt during the second week because the body is in such a state of shock over losing so much weight and goes into hibernation. Bob and Jillian make it their goal to pretty much kick everyone’s butt to make sure they stay above the yellow line in a historically rough week. *Sigh* I just love watching butts get kicked while sitting comfortably on my couch.

Bob has corralled his team into the gym for another grueling week, but he’s bothered by one little thing: that stupid yellow line splitting the space in two. It’s driving him crazy enough to go over and rip it off. He says he wants everyone to be one big happy family and hates the idea of a Jillian side and a Bob side. Jill thinks it’s awesome, but the producers are probably thinking “Well, shit.” Haha they made such a big deal out of that. Oh well. After that little display, Bob feels the need to get out more aggression. Guess who he takes it out on? That’s right. The Bob squad… all the husband/wife teams.

Ali makes her first appearance in the episode and I think it’s either a temptation challenge or product placement time. Of course, I forgot that every 20 minutes is product placement time so Ali doesn’t necessarily have to be there for that. This temptation challenge requires the use of paddles… the kind for auctions, not the naughty kind. Ali informs them that the average amount of weight loss in week two is only two percent. So, each team will get to bet on how many percentage points they think they’ll lose. The person who bets the highest amount will have to put their money where their mouth is and prove it. If they win, they get 10,000 smackers. If they lose, they’re automatically thrown into the Pit of Dispair. Oh wait, wrong show. They’re automatically under the yellow line. Guess who was ballsy tonight? Coleen and Jerry, who would have been screwed last week if they hadn’t won immunity, bet that they could lose 2.4%. They win the Hypocrite of the Week award. What are they doing making a bet like that? They’re the ones who shouldn’t be taking chances! Silly people. Ten thousand bucks is nice and all, but Jerry needs to lose weight badly. Mama bear is not pleased. Jillian is beyond pissed and vows to take make them pay for their stupidity in the gym. Beat ‘em down, Jill!

The time has come for the most awesome challenge ever. Slip ‘N Slide! Basically, the each team has a slide. The team members take turns sliding down the hill, running back up, and hitting the buzzer. They have a time limit of two minutes—make it back after the clock runs out and you’re outta there. Once again, Jerry and Tom have to sit out. This leaves LT and Coleen to do the whole thing on their own. The winner gets that all-important phone call home. And…go! OK, I have to admit I was a little disturbed by the amount of butt crack we saw, but I guess it’s not their fault that their shorts are falling off because of the water. The Brown Team is eliminated in the first round, which we find out was done on purpose. They don’t want to be seen as threats. Long story short, after a decrease in time and about 17 rounds, the Purple Team and the Orange Team are left. It’s brutal; they’re dirty and sore after an hour of this crap. Orange is really determined to win because Heba just has to talk to her dad. Purple just hates to lose. Except they lost. So Orange gets to call home. They also get to choose another team to give a pass to call home, too. They choose the Red Team because Amy and Phil have an autistic son who needs to hear from them. Red calls home first and talk to their sons, causing a lot of tears to be shed. Heba is equally emotional when she talks to her dad, who is nothing but supportive and proud.

Remember that hottie chef Rocco DiSpirito who taught the gang from last season how to cook healthfully? Well, he’s back. And he’s still hot. Excuse me while I search for shirtless pics of him to put up as my screensaver. OK, I’m back. I couldn’t find one. I seriously searched for a half hour. If anyone can find a shirtless pic of Rocco, I’ll give them a virtual high-five. Moving on… Rocco pulls away the worst cooks of each team and takes them shopping at the grocery store for cheap and healthy meals. Insert more product placement here. And we’re back in the house to cook ‘em up. After learning how to turn on a stove, they all learn how to do things like boil pasta. They all do a decent job considering a majority of their meals come from a smelly teenager at their local fast food joint. So now the remaining team members come in and chow down. Vicky refuses to try one of the dishes because it contains cauliflower. That’s the spirit. They pick Amy of the Purple Team as the winner, so she walks away with a year’s worth of groceries. I’m officially jealous.

Back to work, kids! Jillian and Bob are still hell-bent on destroying any body part that still has feeling. L.T. isn’t happy with Jillian’s antics and says she’s on a “f**king rampage.” Jillian’s response? A huge grin. She’s so proud of her methods of torture (bwa-ha-ha). Coleen takes the opportunity to crumple into a puddle of Yellow Team goo on the floor, and after a little pep talk, gets back to the weight lifting and whatnot. Go, team, go! This concludes your last-chance workout. Off to the scales! Ali kindly reminds everybody how royally screwed Jerry and Coleen will be tonight if a miracle doesn’t occur and they lose 2.4% of their body weight. Since the Brown Team won last week, they’re the first to hit the scales.

Brown Team
Vicky: 227 to 223, -4
Brady: 313 to 306, -7
Total percentage of weight loss: 2.04%

Purple Team:
Amy: 222 to 219, -3
Shellay: 204 to 201, -3
Total percentage of weight loss: 1.41%

Pink Team
Michelle: 225 to 223, -2
Renee: 253 to 248, -5
Total percentage of weight loss: 1.46%

Red Team
Amy: 213 to 209, -4
Phil: 308 to 200, -8
Total percentage of weight loss: 2.30%

Orange Team
Heba: 282 to 280, -2
Ed: 318 to 309, -9
Total percentage of weight loss: 1.83%

Grey Team
LT: 339 to 342, +3
Tom: 290 to 387, -3
Total percentage of weight loss: 0%

Yellow Team
Jerry: 363 to 358, -5
Coleen: 208 to 202, -6
Total percentage of weight loss: 1.93%

It’s time for the “I-told-you-so” of the day. Yellow Team would have been in third place except that they lost the bet. So, now they’ve fallen below the yellow line. L.T. screwed the pooch by gaining three pounds, which also throws them below the yellow line. The remaining teams decide to kick off the Grey Team, despite the fact that the Yellow Team acted like morons. Why? Because the Grey Team is a bigger threat. They have more weight to lose, which means high percentage rates every week. The Yellow Team better be grateful they get yet another chance. We check in with the Toms four months after they’re kicked off, and they’re actually doing a great job! L.T. has lost a total of 81 pounds and Tom has lost 65. They look waaaayyy better. Good job, guys! Next week, the teams will take a road trip to the Grand Canyon where soreness will ensue… either from the hiking or the mule rides. Also, Jerry gets injured. How will this affect their place on the show? Tune in to find out. In the meantime, don’t forget to visit 24 Hour Fitness while chewing Extra Sugar-Free Gum while carrying your bottle of Brita Water, then go to Ralph’s and buy some Zip Lock baggies and Jell-O. Etc, etc.