The Biggest Loser: The Tides Have Turned (recap)

By: Jen Smith
Fancast.com

Thanks to that pesky presidential election last week, The Biggest Loser is back after a two-week hiatus. Do not fret, little ones. It was so worth the wait. Last night’s episode had me screaming so many profanities at the TV, I’m pretty sure my 85-year-old neighbor thought I had one too many cans of Pabst. If you can remember way back to 14 days ago, Phil was sent home thanks to the manipulations of the Blue Team. This week, however, Alison pulls a sneaky surprise. Just like last season around this time, every person who has been kicked off is brought back to the ranch to compete to get back on the show. Last season the two to be brought back was Ali and Mark, and they went on to the finals. So anything can happen at this point in the game.

Before we get to the good stuff, first we see the remnants of Phil’s departure. The Black Team comes back from elimination totally bummed. The Blue Team, however, shamelessly grins and dances and congratulates each other on being totally awesome. Except they’re not. And I hate them. The Black Team kind of agrees with me. They find Vicky’s display of merriment disgusting. Gotta love Bob– he chimes in with the same thoughts. He calls Vicky maniacal and methodical. Bob earned a point on the tally board for that.

The following team meeting is sponsored by Jell-O. Alison Sweeney shows up to announce the next shocking twist. Dun-dun-DUNNN! She brings them into the gym in front of the giant scales. As if they didn’t see this coming, all the cast-offs file in through the doors to compete for a spot on the show again. Of course, Heba’s a selfish cow and attacks Ed before he can line up, thus ruining the system they had going. By the way, I’m not staying objective on the Blue Team issue. I hate their guts (except Amy C.) and wish them all to burn in the fiery pits of hell. I mean that as a tongue-in-cheek comment of course, as I don’t really want them to spend eternity with Hitler and Mussolini. But I do think they’re evil people. Moving on, Alison explains the rules. Last season, the contestants who had the highest percentage of weight loss got to rejoin the show. This season, they’ll all weigh in, but it won’t mean anything. They’ll have to try to earn a spot at a challenge. Everyone is there to weigh in except Jerry, who couldn’t get off work. He sends a video in so we still get to see his progress. On with the weigh-in, which displays their starting weight and current weight.

Jerry: 380 to 339, -41
Shellay: 216 to 177, -39
Tom Sr: 314 to 266, -48
LT: 357 to 300, -57
Adam: 340 to 305, -35
Stacey: 221 to 190, -30
Ed: 335 to 277, -58
Amy: 229 to 182, -47
Phil: 331 to 263, -68

While they all look great, it’s Phil who has lost the most amount of weight, followed by Amy P. This makes sense considering they’re the most recent eliminees. Alison reminds us that the weight loss is irrelevant because they’ll have to win the challenge to get back into the house. Vicky, having no class, announces that she’ll be happy for anyone to come back… except for Phil. Everyone’s taken aback at her crass attitude, even Ali. Later, Amy runs to her room to cry, but Phil decides to confront Vicky. He calls her out on being mean and making his wife cry, and Brady looks like he’s about to punch Phil out. Stacey was eliminated the first week. She’s mortified that the game has turned into such a mess, and then she starts to cry, too!

The next day, we get to see a sweet reunion scene with the contestants and the trainers, but then it’s on to the challenge. The premise is this: each voted-off player has a stair stepper in front of them. Whoever hits 1000 steps first wins. The winner gets a spot in the house and immunity at the weigh in. Let’s just long story short this challenge. LT and Tom don’t stand a chance, Shellay is admittedly weak in her lower body, and Adam hasn’t lost that much weight at home. The only people who are in this are Amy, Phil, Stacey, and Ed. Amy actually drops off quickly, and Phil hangs in there until he falls off the stepper. It’s down to Stacey and Ed. Stacey shares that she does these exercises at home, but Ed has to deal with Heba if he loses. It’s literally neck and neck until the end. The Black Team is cheering for Stacey, and the Blue Team is screaming at Ed. Heba sounds like she’s emitting some kind of strange jungle animal mating call. Ed wins. Expletives were had by all.

The next day, Ali from last season shows up to show off her size 2 frame. Bitch. Sorry, anyway… she’s brought some chick from Prevention Magazine to give them some diet tips. It was nothing the contestants hadn’t heard before (for example: substitute regular beer with light beer. Wow, it must have taken her years to think of that one.), but it was just a cleverly disguised product placement. Oh, and everyone gets free groceries. Yay.

It’s last chance workout. Jillian is damn determined to kick her girls’ asses. It’s just Coleen, Michelle and Renee now, so Jill knows that if one of the Black Team falls below the yellow line, the 5-strong Blue Team will surely send her home. Jill goes into full on bitch mode and takes out all her aggression out on her team. Bob is also having fun with Ed, who hasn’t exactly kept up with his workout regimen. He’s having problems breathing, and I almost feel sorry for him until I realize that this is the guy who married Heba. So, no sympathy. We know the stakes at the weigh-in, so let’s get on with it.

Ed: 277 to 273, -4
Heba: 247 to 238, -9
Coleen: 177 to 170, -7
Amy: 187 to 181, -6
Michelle: 200 to 194, -6
Renee: 222 to 215, -7
Vicky: 201 to 193, -8
Brady: 270 to 263, -6

Sadly, Vicky had the highest percentage of weight loss. And she certainly wasn’t humble about it. She loved to brag about how much she deserves it. Unfortunately, her hubby Brady has the lowest percentage, throwing him under the yellow line with Michelle. Michelle pretty much knows she’s screwed since the Blue Team has two more members. Vicky brags and brags about that fact, and looks very smug in the fact that her precious isn’t going anywhere. Amy C., however, is having some second thoughts about her team. Naturally, Coleen, Renee, and Michelle all vote for Brady. Heba, Ed, and Vicky all vote for Michelle. It’s down to Amy C. to cast the deciding ballot. She’s like the state of Ohio. She means everything. Guess what? She voted for Brady! Defiance rules! Suck it, Blue Team! Amy decided that she didn’t want to take her team’s crap anymore and broke Bob’s cardinal rule and voted against one of her own. She’s officially my new BFF. Oh, did I mention that when there’s a tie, the person with the lowest percentage goes home. That was Brady. He’s outta there. Oh, look… fireworks! The whole town is celebrating.

At home, he’s lost more weight. He’s down 100 pounds altogether, yadda yadda yadda. The more interesting part is the preview for next week. Vicky decides to stop pretending to be a sane member of society and launches a revenge attack on Amy. She literally loses her shiznit. This is going to be the best episode, like, ever.