The New Adventures Of Old Christine: Tie Me Up, Don’t Tie Me Down (Recap)

By Tom Rose
Fancast.com

Last night on The New Adventures Of Old Christine a lonely Julia Louis-Dreyfus runs into an old friend she’s technically never met before (Patrick a.k.a.Tim DeKay - a.k.a. Bizarro Jerry on Seinfeld) and sets up a double date with Barb (Wanda Sykes) and Patrick’s buddy Brian (a.k.a. Dan Gauthier) after meeting by chance at a video store. Although OC pretends she’s doing it all to help out the freshly divorced (and now remarried to Old Christine) Barb, her all intrusive ego gets the better of her when Barb works out better with Brian than she does with Patrick. Years from now, will we be making references to Bizarro Old Christine? Let’s find out.

While perusing the shelves at the local video store, Barb and OC catch the eye of the aforementioned duo as they agonize over whether to rent an Old Train Documentary or a classic Scooby-Doo adventure. When Barb notices the attention, OC takes over… you know, so Barb doesn’t blow it. OC twirls her ponytail, licks her lips and lives up to her stature as a new age MTM (she’s still got that Benes charm) so Barb signs on board. The question is, who gets who? An age old dilemma.

Before the dust settles, Richard (Clark Gregg) and Matthew (Hamish Linklater) discuss Richard’s one task for his upcoming nuptials with New Christine (Emily Rutherfurd) - picking out the chairs for the reception. This is a job? At most receptions I’ve been to, the right chair should be electrified. But Matt agrees to help. Off they go to the rental store, but not before OC and Barb pop in, gloating over their new prospects. When OC dials the number for the new conquests, she’s suddenly frozen with the memories of all her dating failures since her divorce. “What’s gonna happen when we fall in love?” “We’re not gonna fall in love” says Barb. “Are you sure? Because I was already planning how I was gonna introduce his new Daddy when Ritchie gets back from Science Camp.” Talk about projecting.

The moment is saved when the boys call back instead. Eager beavers. Barb answers and is torn between Sexy and Mean in how she handles the call. She’s only got 2 modes. Sexy wins out and the 4 agree to drinks. Unfortunately, Barb and OC forget to ask where. Off to a great start, as usual.

When they get to the bar, some confusion arises as to who gets who. When Brian comments on how dazzling OC looks (she does) OC calls him hers. But when Patrick reveals he owns a little winery up North, OC pulls Barb away. “Switch?” It’s OK with Barb, she’s just there to have fun. Things are going just fine.

When Richard can’t make up his mind about which chair to pick “for the rest of my life” Matthew is fed up. “Look, I’m no therapist but… oh wait, yes I am!” He points out it’s common for a man to question whether he’s ready to commit to one woman for the rest of his days. Richard blows off the notion. “You know, sometimes when someone is talking about something, he’s really talking about what he’s talking about. And right now, I’m talking about chairs.” But when he picks the silver Swedish model, he looks over longingly at the Asian sling back. “You know what? I’m gonna sit in that one!” “What?” asks Matthew. “What?” rejoins Richard. What? say we all.

Christine overdoes it with the small talk at the bar, calling Lance Armstrong “a douche” and dropping the hint that she’s “extremely fertile” when Barb pulls the old come-with-me-to-the-bathroom trick. “We’re not gonna switch again are we? That kind of bummed me out” says Brian. “No” says Barb, “we lock in our choices at nine.” Before they hit the powder room OC admits to Barb that she loves Patrick. “I think he might be the one. Sometimes you find out a guy owns a winery and you just know.” Barb reminds that it’s a casual date, just for fun. When Patrick asks OC what she does for fun, we go to commercial with a shot of all four heavily making out on OC’s couch. Now that’s my idea of fun.

Next morning, Barb gets a call on her cell, but doesn’t answer. OC prods and it turns out that Barb and Brian really hit it off and are on for dinner that evening. OC pretends it doesn’t bother her so she gives Patrick a call. It gives us a chance to see JLD use her “making a fake phone call” skills. Patrick obviously is not interested and we see the full range of emotion sweep over Julia - chirpy to devastated - as Patrick explains he can’t make dinner because “he’s moving to Spain today.” Barb is surprised that SouthWest Airlines makes trans-Atlantic flights.

Matt and Richard pile in with the 6 chair finalists. Getting it down to 6 means “we’ve looked at many, many more chairs. It was like a never ending Miss America pageant, but with CHAIRS.” When Barb points out that the chairs are a metaphor for Richard’s apprehension over his next wedding, Richard finally sees the light. Matthew needs to brush up on his therapist skills. Maybe he and Barb should open an office? But OC is pissed. “You know where my chair is? On a SouthWest flight to Spain.”

Back at the video store OC runs into Patrick as she grabs dinner - Raisinets and a box of Milk Duds. They’ll go perfectly with the documentary about the Truman years. Hiding from Patrick under the counter does no good, since he is doing the same thing, so OC confronts him about his moving to Spain story. He loved making out with her (Christine has trouble lately, missing some of the bases) but was turned off that she kept stressing she wasn’t interested in a relationship. When she reveals that the ploy was all Barb’s idea, the romance is rekindled and she invites him to dinner - at her place.

But she’s gonna need to confiscate his passport.

Be sure to catch The New Adventures Of Old Christine Wednesdays at 8:00 on CBS.

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