Watching Celebritiy Circus (recap)

By Tom Rose
Fancast.com

Last night “Celebrity Circus” opened in the Big Top on NBC with Joey Fatone center ring as 7 near-celebrities - Rachel Hunter, Antonio Sabato Jr., Christopher Knight, Blu Cantrell, Jason “Wee Man” Acuña, Stacey Dash and Janet Evans stepped into the spotlight. After some awful behind the scenes montages and a thoroughly convoluted scoring explanation, (50% judges, 50% American public) the festivities finally got under way.

Antonio Sabato Jr. started the show with an impressive Silk Dance testing his upper body strength. The premise of this stunt was very tango-like. Antonio meets woman of his dreams. Antonio challenged by usurper. Antonio wins the girl! This actually was an impressive display and I got to thinking this show might not be too bad…wrong! It was time to meet the judges.

It’s not clear if these are permanent judges, but last night they were Aurelia Cats, Mitch Gaylord and Louie Spence. Despite their “American Idol” preening they left a lot to be desired. They fawned over Antonio, noting his circus background and practically slapped him in the butt cheeks with their lips. Score 7.5

Rachel Hunter, looking about 30 pounds past runway weight (despite 8 weeks of intensive training) performs Cerceau hoop spinning, despite her “really bad neck issues.” With a gaggle of Spy vs. Spy-clad paparazzi flashing away, she flops around for an eternity. Then the paparazzo joins in 50 feet overhead. When she finally makes it back to earth, she appears as though she’s not aware the whole thing is over. That’s probably how Rod Stewart felt. Score 6.7

Wee Man looks the most circus-like due to his small stature. He grins maniacally as he states “The circus has been waiting for me.” Then he performs the Wheel of Death which was banned from the circus for 20 years. We soon see why – sheer boredom. He looks wobbly as he waddles along the outside edge, even though he is obviously securely chained to it. He slips off at the last moment, but by then the suspense is drained away like last night’s coffee dregs. Score 6.7

Stacey Dash is forthright about her fear of heights and vows to overcome it by conquering the Trapeze Bungee. She shows a lot of determination despite having broken some ribs in practice. But this oversized swing set looks kind of easy, since you’re connected to two strong cords at all times. However, she scores big with her “Flash Dance” outfit and routine. Judge Spence threatens to go straight, then reverts to his normal “Queer Eye” posturing. Score 8.0

Blu Cantrell says if she hadn’t been an R&B singer she would have joined the circus. Don’t quit the night job Blu. She performs admirably on the Spanish Web despite behind the scenes glimpses at her lack of work ethic. The producers seem to be pushing the voters by casting her in the most negative light; even following her into the ladies room for a bout of spin induced vomiting. But her act appears the most dangerous so far as she’s suspended by only an acrobat’s handhold 30 feet above the floor. Score 4.7 (lowest of the night - but she showed her diva-like attitude by sniping right back at Paula, I mean Aurelia)

Because this episode was a mind numbing 90 MINUTES LONG, they resorted to some comic relief in the form of suspending Fatone upside down by the ankles, all the while protesting loudly, thus proving he has no comedic skills whatsoever. Wasn’t he on Broadway? This is followed by some lame filler about the fierce competition behind the scenes. They looked like they were reading from a script.

Christopher Knight, at 50, is reminded constantly he is “the old man.” But he shows the most grit by going up on the High Wire, despite breaking his arm during training. Halfway through, he dons a blindfold and the act looks really good - until you notice he’s got a wire attached to his back! On his return he balances a woman on his shoulders who is similarly attached. I mean, I know it’s for safety but I can’t help thinking the guy on the other side of the wire might have helped his balance just a bit. For a 50 year old though, he’s still got that “Brady Bunch” boyish appeal. Score 6.7

Janet Evans has the best chops of the group, being an Olympic Gold Medal swimmer and all. But she admits she feels like a fish out of water. She performs on the Dual Trapeze and is clearly the best athlete, even displaying some ungodly six pack abs. But her contortions are funny looking and one unfortunate camera angle makes it appear as though she’s blowing soap bubbles out of her butt! A fantastically brilliant smile carries her over with the judges who comment that she’s clearly enjoying herself. Score 7.3

So it’s on to week 2 of a 6 week run. It’s not clear how the disqualifications will work - at the beginning or end of the next show, but hey, it took me awhile to figure out American Idol.

My Score: 4.1