Desperate Housewives: This Is A Jackie Collins Novel

This felt like an old school Desperate Housewives episode. The show has returned to storylines that focus on the interconnected relationships on Wisteria Lane. Bree and Karl’s relationship could ruin her friendship with Susan. Lynette’s decision to keep her pregnancy a secret at work forces her to lie to Gabrielle. The show is at its best when it is about the neighborhood.

Family Jewels

Bree decides to break up with Karl because she is falling in love with him. She changes her mind when he gives her his grandmother’s cameo and tells her he loves her. When Bree and Orson have dinner with Mike and Susan, Susan recognizes the broach as one Karl gave her years ago. She lost it and Karl yelled at her for being careless. I do not understand why Susan does not immediately realize that Karl gave it to Bree, but Susan is consistently idiotic. Bree covers that she bought it at an antique store. Bree dumps Karl for his regifting. He proposes marriage. She agrees to think about it. Susan tells Bree that when Karl gave her gifts she knew he was cheating on her, though she admits that if he had tried to change she might have forgiven him. Bree tells Karl that if he gets her a divorce, and forgoes sex with her for a month to prove he has changed, she’ll consider it. Orson goes to the antique store in the hopes of replacing the broach and learns they don’t sell jewelery. If Orson doesn’t put the pieces together now, then he is stupider than Susan.

Arrested Development

Gabi notices Lynette is gaining weight. Lynette pretends it’s from stress. Tom comes home drunk with a couple of college kids. Lynette thinks he is taking the movie Old School to heart until she learns that Tom is doing favors for the guys in exchange for assistance in cheating on his math tests. Tom reveals that he is failing math and struggling with his Chinese courses. He whines that it is harder to learn a language at his age. Lynette tells him that she doesn’t care. I applaud. This show presents Lynette as a controlling shrew, but I don’t see how else she is supposed to treat Tom. He is so weak and would be unable to function without her telling him what to do. Tom actually argues that his cheating is the moral equivalent to her concealing her pregnancy from Carlos and Gabi. Well, no. Lynette is choosing not to tell Carlos something that he does not need to know until much closer to her due date so she can keep her job. Otherwise the family could be plunged into poverty since she is bringing home the bacon while he can barely handle the courseload at a third tier college. Shut up, Tom.

Saved By The Bell

In this episode’s funniest story, Juanita flubs her lines in the Thanksgiving pageant and ends up swearing on stage. Perhaps she has a future in stand-up. The principal metes out a harsh punishment. When Gabi complains, the principal accuses her of being a lousy mother who curses in front of her child. Gabi proves her right by cussing her out — which we do not hear thanks to a convenient bell — and pulls Juanita out of school. There are no openings at private schools, so Gabi must homeschool Juanita. This is a great comic set up that I hope lasts multiple episodes. Gabrielle and Carlos have a huge argument about the fact that Carlos swears as much as she does, but she is the only one who gets blamed for being a bad parent. They cuss the hell out of each other, hilariously substituting the rod blank for all seven of the words you can’t say on TV (well, there are only two or three now, but they are all used quite creatively.) Juanita and Gabi end up grappling on the floor when Juanita refuses to pick up a book that she dropped. Juanita is acting out because she blames her mother for making her leave school, the only place she could see her friends. In a great bit of continuity, Juanita’s friends are barred from coming over because of the violent chimp at her birthday party. Gabi tells her a sweet story about getting picked on for being the shortest kid in school until she discovered she had a big mouth. Juanita is unmoved and ends the episode angry at her mother, which is unusually realistic for this show.

Crazy Like A Fox

Katherine, taking Angie’s advice to heart, apologizes to Susan for her crazy behavior. She implies she might sue Susan for shooting her. Susan agrees to bury the hatchet. Katherine takes full advantage, asking Mike to fix a leak in her bathroom at 11PM. Susan comes with him and discovers Katherine has laid out the makings of a Harlequin sex scene, complete with rose petals all over the bed and a bubble bath. If she really wanted to win Mike, she should try a six pack and a Three Stooges DVD. Susan echoes my sentiments as she calls it a bad Jackie Collins novel. The two of them do their best Krystle and Alexis imitation in the bubblebath. Awesome.

In Plain Sight

Angie looks at an old photo of herself with her mother and cries. She tells a snooping Katherine her mother is dead. She later calls her Mom from a prepaid cell phone, revealing that she can’t tell her where she is. Yep. Witness protection. Katherine overhears her. You would think Angie would keep her door locked, given all her secrets. Angie covers that she calls her mother in law, “Mom.” Best liar on the block. Katherine notices the prepaid phone, and that Angie was speaking Italian. She tells Angie she has decided to have Susan arrested and wants the gun as evidence. Angie talks her out of it. I hope she was smart enough to get rid of the gun. Otherwise Katherine will sneak in and steal it. Angie warns Susan that Katherine is dangerous, suggesting that Katherine might have attacked Julie because she thought she was Susan. This makes me lean towards Angie being the actual culprit. The way Angie is playing both women against each other is brilliant. I hope she ends up going toe to toe with Bree and Gabi, who could give her a run for her money.

Quotes

What is this Shawshank Elementary? - Gabrielle

Dammit Gabi, you couldn’t wait until summer to cuss out the principal? - Carlos

I know somebody whi isn’t getting blanked tonight - Gabi

Fine. I blanked off earlier. - Carlos