Live! It’s Table ‘Dancing with the Stars!’

Donny Osmond dons guyliner, Carrie Ann jumps on the dance floor and Bruno gets up ON the table and shimmies like it’s the World Series of Pole ‘Dancing with the Stars.’

Oh, and Len is ‘officially on crack.’

While the Phillies were shaking off the Yanks after a seventh inning stretch (of panic), week 7 of ‘DWTS’ was knocking it out of the crazy park.

Here’s the lowdown:

Michael Irvin and Anna Demidova, Dance: Fox Trot
Michael Irvin wins hands down for best smile. And after this dance, he’s also the most improved. That said, I still can’t figure out why Len loves him so, but he’s “glad Michael hung around,” and called him “brilliant.” Bruno: “I have to say, your musicality has improved, you were light on your feet and enjoyed yourself BUT…your bum sticks out.” Carrie Ann said he was “gracious,” “fluid,” had “great content and dynamics,” and was “incredible.” Big cheers to the football star for earning his highest score of the season.
Score: 23

Donny Osmond and Kym Johnson, Dance: Quick Step
After spending rehearsals in the sadistic looking posture bar, Donny–who’s about as traditional as you can get–wowed old-school Len with his “from start to finish, full-on quick-step.” But Bruno said that Donny, “as a performer,” is “solid as a rock.” And covers up mistakes really well. Oh snap!
Score: 24

Mark Dascascos and Anna Trebunskaya, Dance: Samba
With Lacey out sick, Anna subs in as Mark’s dance partner, and will shoulder some of the blame for the Iron Chef’s non-stick performance. Mark tumbles to the bottom of the pack with a slumbering samba marked by so-so choreography and missing his usual smooth moves. Tough break.
Score: 19

Mya and Dmitry Chaplin, Dance: Fox Trot
Speaking of crazy: Someone thought it was a good idea for ‘Crazy Cloris’–the one who cursed the judges and flashed her bits at Len–to visit Mya and give her lessons on how to do a classy fox trot. Ha. Now, someone please explain to me why Len is championing football star Michael Irvin and dissing Mya week after week? He gave Mya’s trot a downright insulting ‘7,’ prompting Carrie Ann, who thought Mya and D were ‘floating on ice,’ to finally say it out loud: ‘Len is officially on crack.’
Score: 25

Aaron Carter and Karina Smirnoff, Dance: Jive
It’d be a lot easier to admire Aaron’s rocking jive and killer dance moves if he weren’t such a … brat? Even when he’s trying to be humble and play nice, I just want to see him trip. Is that wrong? Still, he floored the judges, who said his energy could ‘light up Hollywood’ and even got Len to ‘dust off the 10 paddle.’
Score: 29

Kelly Osbourne and Louis van Amstel, Dance: Salsa
Let’s hope the tears and insecurities are finally behind the reality spawn. Kelly O’s salsa was so ‘flirty’ and ‘dirty,’ Len got on his feet and cheered. But Bruno didn’t just stand up. Because he won’t be outdone. He stood up ON TOP of the judges’ table and did his own little dance. Somewhere in between Louis stripped off his blue car wash swishy pants in a revolt we can’t blame him for, and Kelly thanked Bruno for calling her ‘beige.’ Got that?
Score: 24

Joanna Krupa and Derek Hough, Dance: Rumba
Joanna is a “high-def feast for the eyes,” according to Bruno, who’s willing to shoo away that “tiny little stumble.” Carrie Ann said, “You dance at your edge, I always feel like you could go terribly wrong at any second–but you didn’t.” The only thing terribly wrong here was Derek’s fantasy segment.
Score: 27

Watch Full Episodes of ‘DWTS’ Here

After the individual performances, it was on to the much touted dance floor face-off in which the seven couples were split into two teams for a dancing duel.

Team Paso consisted of Mya, Mark, Michael and Aaron, who got their doble on to “I Hate Myself for Loving You.” Which is pretty much how most fans feel about this show, right? The team lost sync a couple times, but overall, Mya “stood out” (shocker), Michael “pulled it together” (score!) and Mark “redeemed himself” (phew!). Score: 24

Team Tango, which included Donny–in full eyeliner–Joanna and Kelly, all gave “Love a Bad Name” and rocked the house. The judges noted their dance was a bit easier to pull off than the other team’s but still had no problem proclaiming their routine “far superior.” Except for the part where they did a–horrors!–lift, which made Carrie Ann get out of her seat and crash the dance floor (something she’s no doubt been dying to do) to cheer/scold them. Apparently high on spray tan fumes, Donny screamed, “The room is spinning and I doooon’t care!” Score: 28

Leaderboard

Aaron and Karina: 29
Joanna and Derek: 27
Mya and Dmitry: 25
Kelly and Louis: 24
Donny and Kym: 24
Michael and Anna: 23
Mark and Anna: 19

Team Paso: 24

Team Tango: 28

Who do you think will go home tonight in yet another ‘dreaded double elimination’?

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