‘True Blood’ Season Premiere: The Big Fang Theory

‘True Blood‘ doesn’t suck, okay people? Some viewers weren’t in love at first bite with the Alan Ball series because of its slow build in Season 1.

But now it’s truly catching on. That means HBO can officially stake its claim on another winner (even the Golden Globes say so; maybe the Emmys will hop on the band wagon next year)!

The second season of the addictive vampire drama, based on Charlaine Harris’ second Sookie Stackhouse book ‘Living Dead in Dallas,’ gets off to a heart-stopping start, revealing the victim of a heartless murder.

If you haven’t watched Sunday night’s second-season premiere of ‘True Blood,’ then stop reading now. Full blown spoilers dangerously close ahead.

Dude, Who’s in the Car?
The season-ending cliffhanger had fans on edge since–in the books–the body found in the back of Sheriff Andy’s car was Lafayette, who’s gone missing. But it turns out the producers like Tara’s sassy, ‘enterprising’ cousin as much as we do, so the poorly pedicured toes here belonged to…VooDoo exorcist faker Miss Jeanette. Who had her heart ripped out of her chest. Well, Tara always did kind of think she was a heartless witch.

The good news is that Lafayette isn’t dead. The bad news is that….

“Sometimes there are screams”
Now who are these dirty people? Oh, theeere’s Lafayette! Big Yay! Are those chains? Huh. Wait, is that a dungeon?! WHAT IN THE HELL???

Puppy Chow
A very pivotal flashback shows us Sam Merlotte, as a shape-shifting teen that turns into the cutest ‘lil puppy, was a hungry petty thief who once broke into the home (and the fridge) of Maryann (Michelle Forbes), the mysterious woman we met briefly at the end of last season as she took Tara under her wing. Or pig hoof. I’m not really sure.

Anyway, hellooo Mrs. Robinson! What does Maryann do with her little robber when she catches him red-handed and buck naked? Steals his virginity. He gets payback by swiping the $100,000 grand stashed in her dresser. Which score was easier? I’m not really sure.

In God We Trust
Oh, Jason, Jason, Jason. With two dead parents, a dead grandmother and three dead women in your wake, including Amy, the closest thing to love you knew, it isn’t a surprise your lost little soul is looking for the ‘Light of Day.’ We just wish your church of choice wasn’t a secret cult that’s building an army to take down the bloodsuckers. Good luck with that.

For details on the ‘catastrophic’ consequences of that showdown, and how his new MO affects the ’sexually compulsive’ Stackhouse, check out my juicy interview with actor Ryan Kwanten.

Welcome to the Family?
It doesn’t take long for vampire brat Jessica, whom Bill is saddled with as ‘punishment’ (for Sookie), to come between Bill and his mind-reading lovah. With the vampire mentoring underway, Bill lays out some guidelines to help turn his new vampire ‘daughter’ into a lady, cravings be damned.

RULES FOR BEING A TEENAGED VAMPIRE DRAMA QUEEN

~A teen vamp’s bedtime is 4:30 a.m. and no later

~We do recycle in the Compton Manor

~There is NO hunting

~It is preferable that you do not look like a ’slattern’ (that’s 1800s speak for ’slut’)

~No, you can not eat the guests!

~No cellphones

~Shushing doesn’t work—vampires hear everything

~Carry Kleenex if you’re a cryer, since vampires cry tears of blood

~When traveling, you don’t pack a suitcase, you get in one

~Remember for your next V-tasting, 1/3 parts O-negative to 2/3 parts A-positive

~And whatever you do, DO NOT get blood in your hair. Especially if you’re in the middle of coloring it.

Highlight of the Episode: When Vampire Eric interrupts getting his hair done, highlighting foils and all, to kick some ass in the basement.

Most Exciting Potential Development: Lafayette becoming one of Eric’s henchman (or something). Unless Eric decides to feast on the vampire blood-drug dealing hooker instead.

The Sex Factor: Bill and Sookie do the honors of the season’s first sex scene and, yup, real-life couple Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer have chemistry. They definitely beat Mrs. Robinson and Teen Wolf (who also lost a point because her ‘fit’ during the deed kind of freaked me out).

Best Line of the Night: “Nobody needed towels!” yelled Maryann, as she bitch-slapped manservant Carl for interrupting a romantic poolside moment between Tara and Eggs.

Burning Questions

~Who/what/why is Maryann? And what’s with all the fruit? Why is she so damn hungry???

~What was that big wheel the captives were chained to and turning in the dungeon? Oh, and why is Lafayette in a dungeon?

~How long before Jason gets naked with the preacher’s wife?

More on These Topics: Alan Ball | Anna Paquin | Stephen Moyer | True Blood