PSA: Movies - The Untold Sacrifice of Parenthood

By: Andy Hunsaker
Fancast Movies

Becoming a parent is one of the most serious and important decisions a person can make in their lives. There are many things to consider, and many sacrifices to make for the sake of the child. Perhaps you have to put off going back to school to earn that degree in order to keep that job and have diaper money. Perhaps you can no longer hang out with your friends as much as you like because you have to relieve your partner from baby monitoring in the evenings to pull your weight. But there’s one sacrifice that isn’t stressed enough: if you have no access to babysitters, you are not allowed to see a film in the theater for at least three years.

The first rule of babies in movie theaters is THERE ARE NO BABIES IN MOVIE THEATERS.

The second rule of babies in movie theaters is THERE ARE NO BABIES IN MOVIE THEATERS.

If you find yourself in the situation where you are responsible for a child that cannot reliably form sentences in a movie theater, you have two tasks. 1.) take steps to review your decision-making process that led you to this situation and 2.) if the baby starts to pull that smart-ass baby stuff about yelling gibberish at quiet moments of a film and crying loudly, you are to take the child out of the theater and you are not to allow it to return under any circumstances.

There is no arguing this point. There is no point in which “okay, the child is calm now, I can safely re-enter the movie theater” is an acceptable option. If the child barks and runs around like a monkey once during a movie, the child will bark and run around whenever he damn well pleases, which ruins the movie for everyone. Returning once is not allowed. Returning twice is grounds for corporal punishment with sticks.

Also, you must leave the theater entirely when tending to a noisy kid. You cannot just go into the hall and hope the child shuts up. Everyone in the theater can still hear the misbegotten brat. This solves nothing. This only lets everyone in the theater who is trying to watch a film know that you are a selfish jerk.

This speed bump in the long journey of parenthood can be avoided if one simply accepts the necessary sacrifice and does not bring nascent brains to movie theaters. This is common courtesy, and you are an unmitigated cretin if you do not heed this rule of etiquette. It is not wise to have an entire theater full of people want to smack your progeny. This doesn’t bode well for his future, and since it’s your job to provide that future, it is your job not to bring babies to movie theaters.

Thank you and good night.