Action/Adventure

To Hair is Human

Alright, look, it’s no secret that ninjas love action and adventure. Heck, there’s a strong case to be made that ninjas invented them. But, whether or not action and adventure were around for a few hours before ninjas completely mastered them and took them beyond the conceivable limits of awesome is irrelevant. Point is ninjas know action and adventure better than Disney knows dead parents. To ninjas watching Hollywood action/adventure films is like watching paint grow…in slo-motion. There are a host of issues that keep the films in that genre from being awesome, but none greater than body hair.

Body hair is the single biggest hurdle holding back that cinema class from kicking ass. You’ve been experimenting with every follicle configuration for decades. Hairy chest/Hairy head, Bald head/Hairy chest, Effeminately long hair/Shaved chest. Shaved head/Oiled-up shaved chest, Nicholas Cage (yes, he’s his own hair category) and don’t even get us started on mustaches. To ninjas this debate is as worthless as trying to kill a ghost with varnish. “You can’t stain discontent.” – Casper. The truth is, the absolute, undeniable best hair for action and adventure is none. I’m talking shorn from head to toe and stem to stern.

Fact, hair was invented by cave people to avoid being ultimate. They used it to keep themselves warm. If you’re living the action/adventure life you don’t need nothing to keep you warm. Heck, you often need to be cooled down. What is first thing action/adventurers do when things get hairy? That’s right. They take their shirts off.

In 1972 Chuck Norris, friend of the ninja, offered to monitor Hollywood stud dos…and don’ts. To find out what exactly the effects of hair were on action and adventure. He selflessly even underwent several hair implant surgeries just to test his theories first hairy hand. His results came in the form of one simple word…stupid. Involving any type of hair in any type of action/adventure makes everyone involved look stupid.

Out of respect for Mr. Norris’ brave endeavor, take a deep breath, eat something bready and watch the below trailers from some of his hairiest films. Each one a cautionary tale in the stupidity of hair. The future of action and adventure depend on the complete and utter electrolysis of every male leading man in the world.

Forest Warrior: C.N. purposefully has one strand of hair on his body for each tree in Yellowstone National Park. Quite a statement.

Lone Wolf McQuade: He hired an actual wolf to play his beard. Point taken C.N.

The Octagon: As C.N. becomes hairier, he becomes more awesome. So much so that he can defeat a ninja. An amazing and heartbreaking satire.