SciFi/Fantasy

Wonders Never Decease

Without being a jerk, I can honestly say that I’ve been in the mix for a lot of missions with a lot of rather intense creatures. A chimerathon (a multi-species, fire-spitting beast that is 26.2 miles long), A wion (half wolf/half lion), A twitch (teenage witch addicted to newt juice). Most, if not all of them, the non-ninja world either doesn’t know they exist or blibber blabs that they’re “mythical.” Well, let me tell you something, Sally. A “mythical” wion didn’t bite off my thumb and my big toe at the same time. Due to the fact that most sci-fi and fantasy writers have never been in the mix, your entertainment ends up with some pretty off-base assessments as to how these creatures operate. Bafflingly, the group you mess up on the most are killersapiens (people who look like any other human, but have decided to live more awesomely); ninjas, vikings, merpeople, etc. As a matter of fact, let me tell you something, modern television has only gotten a representation of a killersapien correct once. The amazing thing is they did it perfectly.

The portrayal of Amazons in the series Wonder Woman is absolutely spot on. 100% correct. The accuracy is uncanny. That is exactly the way Amazons dress, behave, smile, run and bounce. I chose The Feminum Mystique Part 2 as the best example from the entire series. This episode was like watching several of my friends who are actually Amazons…two of whom I’ve made out with. Now right off the whatever, I know that this is Part 2, but trust me you don’t need to watch Part 1 to figure out what’s going on.

From the theme song this show gets it right. “In your satin tights, fighting for your rights.” Boy is that ever Amazons for ya. Always with the impractical clothing and never fighting for anyone else’s rights. Once the episode starts, it’s practically like watching a documentary on Amazons. Amazons are well known for having huge…eyes. And just like real life, Diana/Wonder Woman uses her perky, pendulous eyes to get anything she wants. Also, very true to Amazon form, they don’t like actually killing people. Even Nazis, But, brother, they will take you out of commission with a good, hearty throw. If you don’t think that throwing people 10-12 feet is a good fighting technique, just try it. From either end. You can’t do very much when you’re flying through the air under someone else’s guidance.

Now this episode in particular has some great gems of Amazon truth. Debra Winger behaves exactly like every Amazon younger sister I know. The second daughter is always a complete idiot and they never have stars on their skin tight bottoms. The non-royal Amazons were flawless. They think that absolutely any man is cute. I’m serious. Going to an Amazon party is like making out with fish in barrel. On the male side, John Saxon (the poor man’s Michael Ironside (the middle-class man’s Jack Nicholson)) does a brilliant job of portraying just how frustrating it is to get caught in an Amazon truth rope. You really really want to lie, but you can’t.

I think the only thing that this episode got slightly wrong, is the fact that Amazons actually fly real invisible jet airplanes rather than plastic tubes with a couple dolls stuffed inside.