Drama

Revealing Secrets

When I look around at the kids today, I have one thought…stupid. Almost everything in these kids life is worthless and non-functional. They play violent video games instead of going out and fighting real battles. As someone who has been there and done that, when the noise comes down you’re gonna need a heck of a lot more than your thumbs to make it out with anything more than your thumbs. Me, not so much, but only because I’ve been training in the digital arts for years. When I declare a thumb war, I won’t stop until I’ve taken your whole arm off. Also, what passes for food with these kids basically equates to slow-acting poisonous fat. The only thing quick about fast food is that it greatly speeds up the rate at which you’re going to die. And it ain’t gonna be and awesome death like being blown up by a vamphire. Look, if I’ve learned one thing from Jon Bon Jovi, and who can really say that they haven’t, if you’re gonna go out, it might as well be in a blaze of gory, charred blood and guts.

But more than anything else that’s wrong with kids these days is the clothing. And there’s really no one to blame…except maybe skateboarders and rappers. You cannot turn a corner with out seeing some tween in tremendously oversized or uncomfortably (to look at) undersized duds. I call ‘em duds cause they’re lame, like a horse with a broken bomb.

Thankfully, one clothing person has finally put forth a practical, well-designed, functional line of clothing. Clothing that I think every child should begin wearing immediately. The person that I’m speaking of is of course Victoria.

I have never seen more commonsensical clothing in one location than I did during the last Victorias Secret Fashion show. Every outfit seemed more pragmatic than the last. Just a few of the handy, kid-friendly components to the line were:

- Lots of very well placed metal bands and collars. Perfect for deflecting and protecting. Not to mention you can easily clip something to them like a six-pack of shurikens or a naginata or a small tiger.

- Wings. Look there is a lot of air our there. Air that is very useful for avoiding things on the ground. Especially ones with sharp teeth and voracious appetites for human flesh.

- Deceptive scarves. You want to keep your under-sized kid off drugs, give him a lacey scarf. The simplest way to relieve peer pressure is to stab the pressuring peers. They can’t ask you if you want to snort “smack” if they don’t have a throat. A nice flowing scarf gives a small child a fighting chance. Great for cloaking small knives and neko-te (metal fingernails used to cause bleeding).

- Pointy…everything. The safest place any child can be is away from danger. Give them the tools they need to fend off death with some nice spear-like accoutrement. Spiky shoulder pads that stick out two feet are a no-brainer. A shoe with a six-inch bayonet for a heel. Now, that ‘s sensible footwear. And, if you’re going to put something on your offspring’s head, make sure that they can use to impale it through the skull of a boar or bore it through the skull of a boring person.

If you care about your children being awesome at all, you need to dress them head to toe in these Victorias Secret fashions. If you don’t, I will not be held responsible for their patheticness.