Action/Adventure

Fast Cars and Slow Sweat

When it comes to feature length action movies there is no shortage of three things; bad acting, bad hair and good laughs. One of my favorite shiningly dull and hilarious examples is the Burt Reynolds flick White Lightning. Now I first decided to take a look at the White Lightning because I have a ninja friend named Black Lightning. He’s kind of like Raiden multiplied by negative 100. But, what I found in this filmtrocity is a tremendously grotesque example of how NOT to avenge.

Anywhack, By the end of the opening credits I was howling (silently) with invisible laughter. Right from the get go the movie starts out with one of the most asinine kills I’ve ever seen. And, mind you, I’ve seen two trolls kill each other at the same time…on purpose. From there it just gets better and slower. Gator (Burt) is avenging his brother’s death. Mind you, the person he’s avenging at is Ned Beatty, who even at his most dangerous, can usually be taken out with a well-told joke.

Now, I’ve avenged a death or two in my day and there are a few basic rules. Do it fast. Do it the same way they killed whoever it is you’re avenging. Don’t fall in love with Bo Hopkins not-all-that-hot sleazy girlfriend who tries to turn you on with a story of how she lost her virginity when she was nine. Eghhhh! You follow those three simple rules and your fine. Gator does not follow those time-tested obviousnesses and ends up bleeding a lot of unbelievably red blood.

Now, I did a little investigating of my own and found out that a regular feature-length action movie script is about 100 pages. The shooting script for White Lightning was 17 pages. They had to do in the movie business what is called “wasting time” in order to get the movie to be feature length. Oh my goodness this makes for some good laughs. The laughs will help you to endure the painfully idiotic logic of anyone participating in any part of the actual story. There are stretches of this movie where you don’t know if you’re watching a government documentary on how not to be cool or a student film entitled An Exploration in Perspiration.

Please watch this movie. It’s one of the borst (best and worst) cautionary tales on how not to avenge. Once you watch it…and you gotta watch the whole thing, tell me how you would have avenged Donnie’s murder.